Inexhaustible Things

Ten Years Later

2011-09-11T14:50:00.000-04:00

Ten years ago, my wife, my four-year-old daughter, and my one-year-old son--still crawling--had an offer in on a house. Its price was, as was the convention, about three times my government salary, which was just barely adequate to support my stay-at-home, homeschooling family. By the end of the year, the house would be ours, and our one car's head gasket would blow. I would take on teaching at the local community college to help make ends meet and to make payments a second used car.

Nine years ago exactly, I formed a company on paper. Eight years ago it was on contract. Seven years ago I was taking my family for a weeklong vacation--the type of thing we had never done in years of military and government pay--driving a fancy car, and we were browsing larger houses in the area. Six years ago, it was clear that respecting the doubt to buy larger was a sensible choice.

Four years ago around this time, we'd just received my son's diagnosis of Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. He was still walking and climbing the steps, albeit with some difficulty. I was working for a group with questionable ethics and was content to lose my job at the end of the year.

Two years ago around this time, I was in Baltimore with my son, visiting and speaking with their firemen who would be working the MDA's Fill the Boot campaign. On the drive home, I called my wife. She had received notice of the bank's intent to foreclose.

Three days ago, a large tree in the backyard toppled on the house's roof. The two bathrooms upstairs were crushed and the tree lay over the roof covering my son's bed, the stairwell, and the front door. Tomorrow we have a previously scheduled appointment to hear about household medical equipment for my son, necessary upgrades given that he cannot walk. We drive the same two used cars, the fancy one long gone. The contract I currently work is scheduled for recompete.

Around this time maybe twenty-five years ago, I stood on the WTC observation deck overlooking the city. Twenty-one years ago joining the Army as a linguist, I had no idea I'd be learning Arabic when Desert Storm broke out. Around this time fourteen years ago, after working a project in this industry as a mathematician, I confessed to my wife and toddler daughter--who was just learning to crawl--that I didn't think that this work was the right path for me. I had no idea where I would be or how I would be involved ten years ago and then subsequently.

Today I am still here, but I am not the same.

While a "War on Terror" or "Unrest in the Middle-East" have served as a touchstone or backdrop for almost my entire, post-"Evil Empire" career, they--like the car, the house, and anything else--ultimately had little to do with the transformation itself. Whatever the backdrop, there was just the living and the choices.

So many choices, individually and collectively, led us all to this moment. Without conscious, awakened action, certain paths were probably predictable. Even with the momentum of habit, beginning right now we can all move in a new direction. For me, it starts here, listening to the rain falling on the tarp above where my bathroom and roof were.

What's next? I have some thoughts...

Cassandra's Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

2011-07-17T14:47:00.002-04:00

Having lived in the R&D world for so long where forward thinking is the norm, it becomes quite a challenge to interact with people who are stuck in the "Here & Now." Whether it's the business folks watching the short-termed indicators or the people in their daily operations who don't have the luxury to imagine another way, they more often than not see the R&D fellow as outside their Here & Now.

Of course, the R&D team has a Here & Now as well: it just happens to be creating the Then & Out There.

Are they really different? Consider: The R&D team's reality is a vision, and they work daily toward its creation. The Operations team's reality happens to be a vision too--a vision of how things are--and they work daily toward maintaining it.

The visions of either team are arguably impermanent--today's operations are not necessarily sustainable, nor are all R&D futures attainable--but it is the vision that drives each and is the lens through which all changes are seen.

Simple enough, yes?

Now to Cassandra and her Complex (Wikipedia): In short, you have a vision of what will be, but no one believes you--and yes, it's all about you, naturally. The few R&D folks who have the opportunity to live among the daily operations contingent have undoubtedly seen this one appear in the meetings and on the floor: You're "thinking big" they have "a job to do"--notwithstanding that it's your job to think big, of course, or that if you have your way they won't be doing that job--at least in that way--for long! In the end, there are two visions competing. Sometimes there is successful negotiation and migration, a phasing in; other times, one of the visions must kill the other. With only probabilities of future earnings or utility to defend itself, R&D is often the loser.

Funny thing though: Even if it's killed in the boardroom today, the R&D vision is often later realized anyway. How? Sometimes unsustainable operations and inevitable technology developments meet right where they're predicted--go figure! Unfortunately, sometimes that's long after the team that made the recommendations was thanked and dismissed.

It's true, by the way: I personally do have a good deal of "I told you so"'s on my resume...

Speaking of which, back to Cassandra: What if, over time, your "Here & Now" incorporates the habit of being disbelieved or misunderstood and later proven right? If that is your vision, won't you work toward creating and then maintaining it?

If you gave Cassandra the prediction that she was in fact a spot-on prophet who was eventually going to be proven right, but added that she was habitually finding and focusing on those people who would not believe her, repeating this pattern, would she believe you or would she suffer tragic consequences, to include your "I told you so!"?

... or would that "self-fulfilling prophecy" be something she would have to discover for herself?

What vision would you have to hold, what habits would you have to develop, to become a successful "Prophet of Industry" ... or anything else that suits you?

Morning Vision

2011-06-16T11:07:00.001-04:00

* * *

Traced a path form there to here

Across land

Around the wind

Beneath the water's surface

to the fire gate.

Pieces of you left scattered behind;

Still,

You will burn as you cross through.

Tree swallowed ash.

Wind dispersed smoke

Ancient toad watched from beneath the falling leaves.

* * *

Sushi for Lunch?

2011-05-31T16:28:00.002-04:00

So, many of you who know my son also know Sushi the Badger, a tangible manifestation of one of his many "imaginary" friends. Sushi is part of the family--sometimes a very annoying part, especially while we all sit in traffic during a rush-hour drive to the hospital--but it's a voice and a friend. What's a dad to do?

As we sat in the Clinical Lab--a euphemism for "Don't tell him he's going to get stuck again"--well past the onset of lunchtime hunger but before our next stop at Radiology, Sushi was there to keep my son company in his wheelchair. We're used to Sushi's noise and antics, but I was taken aback by the grunting screams that followed from the other side of the room! Sushi had caught the eye of a young deformed girl in a wheelchair, on a respirator. There were no words, only this strange cackle of sorts as one eye occasionally swept by and made contact with my son and his doll...

... and once they knew they had an audience, they both performed. Jumps, backflips, twists, dancing, waving, ... The girl was thrilled, and so were both the girl's nurse and her mother.

So was I.

Everyday is like this, reminding me that there's no way of knowing, reminding me to trust, reminding me to simply do my best as I understand it--but days visiting Children's Hospital are all of this under a microscope. There are full ranges of experience from suffering and facing death through bliss from a saved life, and all see each other in the hallways, the cafeteria, and the clinics' waiting rooms. Everybody there struggling for a parking place has a story of some sort or another. Somebody there is undoubtedly worse of than you--and undoubtedly you are that somebody to somebody else.

Human spirit and compassion. Sobering reminders reframing perspective. Ecstatic reminders that, at any time and under any circumstances, witting or not, anyone might be your salvation and you might be that for another.

I have my days wherein I wish everyone I encountered experienced military life so they would understand that we can pull together, drop egos, move in one direction, and get things done. On other days I wish people would take the time to expand their lives like this, through a little volunteer work or other activities, spending time outside of their limited worlds, finding true perspective in the full human condition. In the end, though, it requires no effort at all--all of this life really does simply unfold on its own.

Alas, as above, so below... Tomorrow, back to the cubicle.

"Flap Your Arms Harder!"

2011-05-28T17:33:00.001-04:00

I came across a group of people standing in a desert, all flapping their arms up and down at their sides, so I paused to watch...

After some time, some began to give sideways glances toward one of their own. He seemed to notice, but was somehow unfazed--he simply kept flapping obliviously.

In time though, the others grew into a fury. There were some words I could not hear, and soon enough the one stopped flapping his arms and walked off alone toward the horizon.

I approached the group. "Excuse me, but what happened here?"

"He wasn't flapping hard enough. This group will never fly with folks like that holding us back..."

I nodded in acknowledgement and turned to walk away.

"Maybe we just need more people flapping... If you see anyone, will you send them our way?"

I waved, not looking back, and I followed the path of the fellow who left.

The Broken Heart Sutra

2011-05-22T16:36:00.001-04:00

Blowing through sacred space in disrepair, jasmine scented smoke and thoughts of what could be. Exotic flowers are absent from the garden. Work to do litters the temple. A crumbled stupa was erected though the efforts of not-doing as the hands of those present were elsewhere. Observe the ghosts, circling an unlit flame. Depleted of purpose, ki drained. The birds' songs are no longer heard over the traffic. Airplanes pass behind overcast skies. This is perfection in the absence of truth. It is almost worthy of a tear.

Mourn the loss, but see what will appear when the spirit returns to this place.

Gate, gate, paragate, parasamgate, bodhi svaha.

* * *

Dropping By

2011-05-17T01:29:00.000-04:00

Looking at the sidebar, it's been almost two months since my last post... but almost four years since my first?! There's been no shortage of madness posted in between, it seems, and without a doubt more is not posted than is. Life as practice is like that, especially when life is largely work and when work would most likely not appreciate the reference.

Regardless, there is much more to say. Hopefully I'll find a way to say it. Soon.

More Better Practicing

2011-03-23T02:05:00.000-04:00

The practice of patience, loving kindness, sympathetic joy, abstinence, virtue ... What are these things?

Is it possible to practice patience, for example, when nothing is bothering you? Or is "practicing patience" the thought which counter-balances "not doing what is instinctual" when circumstances collide with your intent?

Zen meditators sit. For longer and longer periods, they sit. A pain arises slowly, but the meditator does not move... The pain increases and the thought to resist grows louder, but still there is no movement. The want to shift the body grows stronger, but the meditator adds the thought not to disturb his peers into the balance. The need to stretch the joint intensifies, but not wanting the teacher to see his discomfort weighs in. The tortured practitioner's attention intensifies, moving between the pain and the thought, the pain and the thought, justification and excuse... Finally, a break or a surrender---either way, there is mental and physical relief.

Was it a "bad sit"? Was he dealing with pain? Was he perfecting his form? Was he chasing thought?

... or was he sitting? ... and then not sitting? ... or neither?

We experience the physical sensation, the emotions, the thoughts---but aren't those all just the traces of "just sitting"? If we surrender to the itch and scratch it, are we still sitting? How about if we follow the thoughts instead?

We see the trace, and we mistake that for who we are. But if you are not that, then what are you? Can you see your reflection in the sum of your pain and your thought and see that you are "just sitting" even though the thought of sitting never crossed your mind?

Then what of the rest of the day?

Of Course You're Right!

2011-03-12T16:55:00.000-05:00

We constantly work to make sense of the world around us. So, today the world is flat and leeches are balancing the humors? Cool. Pursuing this theory or that, scrying more deeply into all that is around you, you'll see the evidence you seek and you'll be tempted deeper into the puzzle. You take another step--but from where? Is what you see next anything more than an extension of today's understanding?

Wanting to know, wanting to understand, wanting to be right or justified, how could it be otherwise? After all, even when you discover how wrong you were, well, look at how right you are now! How wise and open minded you are to adopt a new, enlightened view!

These days I'm looking at a complex puzzle, made complex perhaps only by the human dynamic. Looking for the problems, I see the problems. Why is this like this and that like that? I look deeper. Problems on top of problems. Fascinating patterns of problems. Beautiful arrangements of misaligned ideas and beliefs, stresses and tensions, all in precarious balance resulting in the only current state and trajectory that is possible. It truly is a wonder...

And how very tempting it is for me to go further and to explore more, to gain deeper understanding, to see more of the dynamic, to make greater sense of what is happening... but toward what end? The exploration is, in some sense, only a diversion---a trap like any other. Studying how others find themselves in their situations can happen with a blindness toward the equivalence of your own.

The difference between "fixing a problem" and "moving toward a solution" might only be semantics, but the choice of words or point of view is powerful in directing our energy. A great leap forward does not happen from where you are, I think. Rather, it's a fait accompli, perhaps just beyond thought, and we catch up to it in time.

More than a Tree?

2011-01-27T02:43:00.001-05:00

Heavy, wet snow finally took some limbs I couldn't reach with the telescoping pruning saw late last year. Somehow, the kids simple swing is still holding on. When was the last time a child sat on it? I don't know, but we've told them not to because of the weak limb.

The husband of the former owner of the house died pruning this tree, we were told by a sentimental neighbor. At one point, the tree was so unruly that it was topped, and has long since resumed its posture. Standing between the front of our house and the western horizon, it is the house's cooling shade from spring through autumn---and morning shade for our neighbors across the street. Of course, every fall it swamps the lawn with shed leaves and branches that we are still cleaning up in spring. Is it odd that we don't think about that while we're burning the fallen limbs in the fire pit in the fall. Since nothing grows beneath it, there's no lawn to maintain; but, the rains rolling through erode the hill on which the house sits. Perhaps the roots hold together what remains, but perhaps someday they'll encroach upon the pipes and foundation. Any impulsive thoughts to remove the tree are easily countered by the expense and homeowner association paperwork process that have to be readied beforehand.

This is a perfectly precarious balance: with a determined thought in either direction, this tree stands or falls with all of the pros and cons that result; but absent a compelling desire, the consequences either way are clear.

Such a big deal, this old tree, so much more than the its limbs are attached to it by so many people, weighing it down... So many different things beside its roots are keeping it standing, perfectly balanced, ready to fall.

What isn't like this?

Chasing Results

2011-01-19T23:58:00.001-05:00

I don't remember exactly what it was like watching my kids discover their fingers and toes--beyond sucking thumbs, seeing the hands and somehow realizing that they control them, and seeing the feet as something foreign then grabbing them for a taste.. Not long afterward, babies reach out and grab things that are not the babies themselves. Later, crying brings Mommy to the rescue and squealing makes Daddy have a funny face. And so it goes... Off in that way, maybe they will reminisce about their own kids doing the same.

Is there ultimately anything that is not like this, responding to what we sense or think? If there is, can you tell me what it is without it being in response to my question?

So I heard a generous teacher say that he is bothered by a selfish student. The student takes, takes, takes while the teacher gives, gives, gives. Whenever he looks for his own understanding, the teacher never sees its reflection. What is happening here? What is his complaint? What is my response?

Perhaps someday he will "evolve" and consider the long view. Who knows how a student may someday be affected by the teacher? Perhaps eventually, unnoticed, the student will develop the right view. But doing this today so that someday he might do that? Is this any different?

Is there no escape?

I don't know what he may have told Joséphine about reason for his every breath, but I once heard that each of us today has likely inhaled air that Napoleon had exhaled. I can't say for certain, but I doubt he mentioned me.

Can you break that feedback loop? Would it be wrong to try because I asked?

What if you succeeded? Perhaps then you could tell me the meaning underlying these words:

If there's a reason I breathe, I don't know what it is.

Somedays, It's Good to Not Have a Critical Job

2011-01-18T12:45:00.001-05:00

Main roads are said to be clear. Ours? Not so much. Just a sheet of ice. There's a neighbor with a garden hoe chipping away at her driveway there...

Fill in the Blanks -- Cause & Effect, Part 2

2011-01-15T05:05:00.000-05:00

Long after the events have passed, I look back and ask, "What was the meaning?"

Closer to the time of the story, I cast myself as the hero. Hardships endured were sacrifices for a greater good; rewards earned were trophies justifying my effort. The people around me who agreed were friends and brought closer; the people who did not were adversaries and distanced. What fell away from me in my pursuit did not belong; what came to me and stayed with me did.

Later, in a new situation, a cast of people just like this are potentially my adversaries. Looking back again, I ask, "What was the meaning?" This time I see that I was an ass. Inconsiderate, unyielding, there was only my way. What more we all could have created together if only I had found a way to engender some cooperation. Look how I had impacted the lives of others negatively in my selfish pursuit and in gratifying my ego...

Two views of one story: which is the better?

There are two different minds shown reflected in one single story from the past. Given the circumstances, the mind works to complete the picture, to fill in the blanks, to interpret, to judge, to assign meaning. Is it any different than considering a poem twice, once while happy, once while saddened?

How is any moment different than this?

What meaning can any story have absent our own contribution? Can you see your mind contributing? Can you distinguish between what your mind adds and what is actually there?

The very next thought or the very next action may be rooted in your last state of mind. So, how much of it is "real"?

What Happened Last Week?

2011-01-14T23:23:00.000-05:00

Have to say, I hardly know. The pace of things is such that it feels like a single thought rises and falls like a breath over the course of a week; an action, at least a month; a chain of events, seasons; ... I catch occasional glimpses of people zipping back and forth as if on fire while I'm watching mountains at war.

I don't know if it's a matter of growing old, seeing from a different perspective, or both. Either way, somewhere in there I blinked: my daughter turns 14 on Monday.

Sometime last week I had a scotch. Maybe this is the start of a hangover :-)

Cause & Effect

2011-01-08T20:26:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, I was completely enthralled with a project I was on. It was an underdog, a bete noire--what value could there possibly be in the work? But we knew the importance would be proved. There were long hours away from family as I tended to the job at all hours, doing what no one else could appreciate. There were battles of sorts as I raged against the machine to bring the pieces together, to keep the wolves at bay, and to do all of those other metaphorical things...

... and in the end, it was true: It did pay off.

... and there was some mild gratification that a few people's noses were rubbed in the triumph.

... but most of all, we went to incredible lengths looking for what we knew was there as people tried to stop us, and against the odds we found it.

... and we twisted real human lives and careers into pretzels along the way---including my own.

Everybody loves a story like that, no? Well, except for that last part, maybe. And now it's just a nondescript blip on my resume and an occasional "war story" brought out after the first round or two of whiskey. What was the aftermath? That isn't really discussed to much, ether because we move on to someone else's example or the whiskey eventually overtakes the storytelling.

Or maybe it's because it's just too depressing...

Having completed the "I was right!" dance, the effort validated and finally understood, we moved to transition the effort from the proof-of-concept on to the pros. After all, I've done my part and there are certainly more dragons to be slain. Somehow, though, it just wasn't happening. There was still far more of my push than their pull---there was some uncomfortable balance struck that relied on so much extra effort. "I had to do their job too?" I thought. Maybe they thought I was just a pain in the ass and naturally resisted. Regardless, all of the tensions were in balance in this backward tug-of-war and we inched toward success.

It was ridiculous.

Fine, I thought---I'll just let go of the rope and move along. Let them play phone and email tag with me for a change! The project's value is understood, and if it breaks down, surely someone will notice---and then they'll be forced to take the effort seriously...

... Right?

The system broke down. No one noticed. No one cared.

When I was there to push, everybody at the other end was happy with what came out the other side, yes---that is true. But no one missed it when it was gone.

And that was sad... not just the reality of it all, but that I saw that coming.

But my time was up. It really was time to move on.

There are lots of points for personal investigation here, so let's pause and "digest for a while," as my son likes to say.

Twitter Retreat, Part 2

2011-01-05T21:19:00.000-05:00

There's an important aspect of stopping one activity or starting another that should be considered: If it's an escape from something, that something will continue to haunt you. You believe things are different, but you'll see this reflection again---like turning away from one funhouse mirror and pointing yourself toward another. This is the karmic cycle.

With practice, in an environment such as Twitter it is possible to remove the attachment to form within communications. It's enough to consider, for example, that a sexy female avatar photo and accompanying language could be the proverbial old perverted guy behind the keyboard to give a fellow pause. For the people who've come to play within such a fantasy, enjoy---as a social tool, it's a stage for any actor and it's valuable in so many ways. As a Zen practice, maintaining the clarity to see that things are not necessarily as they seem, but are quite possibly what you want to see or expect to see given the appearances instead is key---seeing your own mind at work responding.

After all, you are shown pictures and words---not real people, right?

So what happens when you turn away from the screen and turn toward the people around you---family, friends, coworkers, strangers?

Do you really believe things have changed?

ZenStorm, R.I.P.

2011-01-04T22:59:00.000-05:00

When I opened my Zen practice to the Internet, I adopted the moniker "ZenStorm" for use on Twitter. I would speculate that in over an estimated 30-thousand posts (around 15-thousand in the currant instantiation, might as well assume there were as many in the previous ones), I've encountered no more than ten with what we might call "koan sense," which is at the heart of my personal practice. I've met maybe ten people who occasionally chat with me. There may be overlap in the lists, and there's no telling if all of the personalities are distinct--except perhaps for the one person whom I've met as a result.

While I do look for connections and while I do enjoy the koan practice, ultimately that's not why I'm drawn to using the service. With increased Zen practice, I've come to see fairly clearly that I am--for the most part--ultimately interacting with myself. The active streams I've added to my follow queue and hold for any length of time must ultimately resonate with me. If one is informative, there's a topic of interest to me. If one presents itself as a student, I may be drawn to watch progress. If one presents as a teacher, I may be drawn to challenge. If one presents art such as poetry, I may be drawn to enjoy the imagery. Even if one irritates me, it's there for a reason--even if it is not immediately consciously understood.

In this way, watching the streams is an opportunity to watch my own mind, seeing where I am instinctually drawn or repulsed, watching my mind fill in the missing details, watching how I could be led if I am not aware. Even when I am drawn to watching your mind within the stream, it is a most critical moment: not losing sight that I am watching my own mind watching yours.

But here's the thing: Introspection in itself can be as addictive as any other activity. What to do, particularly when I am looking for new connections and Twitter is a convenient social outlet?

If you meet the Buddha, kill him.

ZenStorm has two ingredients: What I present and what you see. Perhaps it is more though: what I continue to present and what you expect to see. Having been listed so many times in categories surrounding Buddhism, Zen, and people who love to spend days announcing how spiritual they are, I'm swamped in a circle that is fundamentally uninteresting to me. Ultimately, I created this though; how can I be free of it? How can you be free of it? Worrying about that detail, considering taking little steps from here in this direction or that direction, wondering about the effects of change: these only preserve the ZenStorm form. This creates a ZenStorm idol.

This is

Standing on top of a 100-foot pole, being told to take a step.

I'll offer no answer to this koan here; instead, I'll take advantage of the kol che retreat season and let ZenStorm rest. Perhaps without the investment of so much time in this direction, the opportunities for the types of conversations I would actually prefer will have an opportunity to appear.

Retreat

2011-01-04T10:34:00.000-05:00

We follow the path of least resistance, even when it is insurmountable, even when there are easier paths around or through. Sometimes the most difficult and most important thing is to stop and see this.

On retreat, perhaps at first you see what you are doing: I am meditating long hours; I am practicing with the koans; I am doing something different. Perhaps next you notice what you are not doing: I am not posting all of the time; I am not slacking off there; I am not scratching that itch; I am not following my habits. At first, maybe there is "I have left" and later there is "I have returned."

Perhaps finally, though, in spite of all of the thinking and doing, in spite of all of the not thinking or not doing, the difficult path was a round trip in which you never left home at all.

How could you?

Falling Asleep

2010-12-29T02:47:00.000-05:00

"Why contracting? Is it stable? Were you able to stay on projects all of that time?"

It was a question from an employee to me, a contractor... and for a moment, I felt the draw into the question, waking up to see myself starting to babble, in time to gracefully put myself back on track.

The question itself is purely innocuous, nothing more than a spring breeze or an itch, but friends and followers may understand how the question may have hit me differently. All of the sudden, I am there again. The mind is in overdrive rationalizing, filling in the details; my tongue is starting to wag and words are rolling out.

I'm putting things in a good light. I'm justifying my choices. I'm stringing the words together ever so eloquently, just so...

... but for whom? This fellow has no idea of my history, nor--however interesting it may be--did he ask for it.

Who was talking? Who was listening?

I fell asleep and suddenly I woke up.

And quite simply, that's how it happens.

Zen practice--and koan practice in particular--cuts to the root of situations like these. Am I on autopilot, at the whim of everything that happens to me? Do I have no choice in how to respond? It's a matter of staying awake--and maybe graceful recoveries when you realize you've slipped.

"Please Mind the Gap"

2010-12-28T00:41:00.002-05:00

請小心列車與月台間之空隙

("Please mind the gap between the train and the platform")

Taking the train around the city, the Cantonese made no sense to me, but the British-accented translation always followed: "Please mind the gap..." It echoes still today.

In a foreign land, there is where you are, standing still. There before you is where you need to be, a moving target. In between, there is the gap.

After a day or two navigating the system, the announcement recedes into station's ambient rush hour noise and the gap has long since disappeared.

In my visits, I never did hear screams of people falling through the cracks--perhaps a testament to the unending announcements. Instead, I saw hundreds or thousands of people stepping from the platform onto the train at one station and stepping from the train onto the platform at another station. In time, there was no gap.

How do you get from the platform to the train? When you are on the train, are you no longer on the platform? When you step onto the platform, do you leave the train behind? The family man steps out of apartment and suddenly the office worker is seated at his desk. Where was the gap?

Having an idea that your life could be different? That is a gap. Wondering how to leap forward from your current situation to new circumstances or waiting for your current circumstances to catch up to your desired situation? That is minding the gap. How can you ever cross it?

When I see the all of the others going about their business, I am reminded that it really is much simpler than this. I lose myself in the rush hour flow and now the gap is not even a memory.

Apple + Christmas = Fail

2010-12-25T23:55:00.000-05:00

I've purchased three iPhones. Of these, two have been defective out-of-the-box.

The first was my first, a first generation iPhone. It was DOA -- no charge, no taking a charge. I turned around and headed back to the Apple Store and made the exchange -- no problem. Next was my wife's phone, another first generation. No problem. Now this one, an iPhone 3GS for my daughter -- a teen's first phone, and for Christmas, no less. It wasn't DOA; it was just dead by the end of the day. It won't sync with a computer. It blinks and beeps as if just plugged in over and over again when attached to the USB charger. We'll be back at the AT&T store tomorrow, presumably to make an exchange.

I'm typing this note as it is on a recently purchased Mac Mini. We bought it to off-load data from an unusable family iMac G5. A few serial numbers before our own was the cut-off for iMac recalls with a monitor problems. Naturally, that wasn't the cut-off for the problem itself. With a tightly integrated design, there's nothing to do but toss it.

The PowerBook G4 is sitting upstairs. It's on its third $130 battery and its second power cord after the first melted down. There was the issue of losing 50 GB of my life to a File Vault (encrypted user directory) issue as well as one more random failure requiring a complete reinstall. The wireless Mighty Mouse I use with it is pretty cool -- when the scroll wheel doesn't decide to just scroll up, not scroll down... It was a tremendous improvement over the USB mouse that came with the iMac -- that one had the odd habit of deciding to race down to the lower right-hand corner of the screen at random times...

But why go there now. After all, tonight is just about my teenager's new dead phone, right? An isolated, independent event, right? Nothing to do with the times we've lost data, lost purchased music, or anything else, right?

I don't believe that any other brand is necessarily better or worse than Apple. It's just frustration that we've come to accept. Two out of three new phones in this house from Apple fail within a day. People tout on-line how convenient the exchange will be, but very few will complain about the failure in the first place. We're accustomed to a particularly high level of bullshit for items costing hundreds and thousands of dollars, some with two-year contracts attached. How did that come to be?

Coming & Going

2010-12-23T01:48:00.001-05:00

There's something undeniably nice having a home that is a hub of activity: People coming and going, tea and coffee, classes, conversation, kids playing, ... and in time the house quiets and the family regroups, ready for another round tomorrow.

It's part of our own reality that getting out as a family becomes more difficult with time. There's a natural pull to bring our social circle home into our space to stay connected. Moreover, there's also the sense that working from home in some capacity is how I'll want to live. There's a lot to consider, though even without much thought it's the direction we seem to move. It will be interesting to see how life changes. I suspect it will be for the better.

Expand & Contract

2010-12-19T13:59:00.000-05:00

Close & Open.

It's been a while since I've written, but that is not for lack of anything to say. Work, family, friends, hobbies, studies, practices, likes, dislikes, life in general---everything is in constant flux, very fluid.

And sometimes I'm very open with everything, and sometimes I'm reserved. Sometimes I take what I see on the outside, and go inside for a while to consider it for a while before reappearing---maybe with new understanding.

It's no big deal. It's not contrived. It's just life.

With some income restored---and with particular focus on letting my son's social circle expand---we've made a long overdue update to a computer, we'll probably refresh the old phones, and we're setting up all of the ways for everyone to stay in touch as best we can. Facebook, Twitter, text messaging, video conferencing, Skype, voice and text chat, and now I'm even playing with my old Google Voice (formerly Grand Central) account so that people can find me wherever I am. And more often than not these days, I'm looking forward to seeing friends join me in person for conversation once the coffee spot of the day is chosen.

See the new widget on the right? "Wanting Contact?" That's the Google Voice widget. Click it if you like. It should ring back to you and then search for me. If I'm not there, leave a message---then I can find you.

Because it's not just for them; it's for me too. It's time to rebalance, to open and connect.

I'm looking forward to playing with the technology here in general and especially in Zen practices.

Watch for updates. Stay in touch :-)

Stopping Short

2010-10-29T17:40:00.001-04:00

Is there a Doctor in the House?

I have a masters degree. I also have a fair body of original research reviewed and approved as a dissertation submission. What I am missing from completing a Ph.D. is going back and sitting through some classes: paying the money and doing the time.

Does this make sense? After all, the hard work is already complete. Why not finish?

This has been an absurdly difficult question to answer at times---I know because I'm asked often. The underlying facts add some structure: I had a one-year-old child, I was working a summer job, and I had the opportunity to convert to full-time employee by converting a research paper I was polishing into a Masters thesis. As time went on, there was certainly no financial incentive to advancing my degree; I was fast-tracked as an effective generalist rather than a specialist, and taking the title at that point might actually have limited my prospects. Taking time off to take the classes and pay tuition while not earning income would likely prove to be a hardship and did not seem like it would provide a reasonable "return on investment."

So, yes, it's a good rationalization---and it is true---but is it the entire truth?

Another Story

This new job interrupted longstanding practice of Aikido. Now with the job and little to no leave or savings accumulated, I was invited to return to take my black belt test. I hadn't sought out a new dojo for local practice yet; I was concerned I couldn't prepare. I sent along my regrets; I didn't feel I would be ready. Sometime later, a visiting friend brought me the belt from my teacher with his instructions to put it on when I felt ready.

During the ensuing years, I practiced as an Aikido nomad, showing up here and there with some talent and a white belt. It's detailed elsewhere in the blog, but somewhere after around 15 years of practice, I did spend a year within another organization and made the first-degree black belt "official."

Again, the circumstances are true and the decisions were rational, but there is something eerily similar to the Ph.D. story, no?

What is Going On?

Set side by side, the two stories would seem to show "stopping short" of some intended goal. The self-helpsters might even speculate that there's an underlying "fear of success" leading to these situations. Honestly, I wondered the same myself for a bit---I mean, it makes sense on some level, no? But there are enough other unrelated stories to point to a different conclusion. We'll string them together in time, perhaps, but for now there are these:

Balance and Pride

Technically, there is only balance---pride is part of the equation. There is a certain pride in having the talent, the skills, the knowledge, and so forth, and to prove it without having someone else certify it. But the attraction of pride is married with a peculiar aversion to the certification itself. In my personal experience, this aversion has not been unjustified. Consider, for instance, that when my own ideas differed from my last Aikido instructor's, he threatened to have the parent organization revoke the certification of my rank---and this is not a lone example... It is sufficient to say then that when I am fortunate enough to sense when systemic manipulation is directed toward me or toward others, I have an instinctual distaste for it. Going a bit further, it seems that I have a slight distaste toward being "typecast" as well.

What Does it Mean?

Without any thought at all, I essentially drifted quite comfortably into studying mathematics in the university and Aikido in the dojo. When other needs pulled or other other boundaries pushed, life's trajectory changed on its own quite very naturally and always remained in balance---however chaotic it may have appeared from outside or even, in retrospect, from within. All thoughts, emotions, actions? They are always in balance.

Once it begins to become clear, I think we can begin to reflect. We can discover things such as an inherent aversion to being manipulated that played a role in my arriving here. Moreover, we can examine such an aversion, and if we choose, we can move through it when next we encounter it. After all, are there not times when being typecast has its advantages? And are we not typecast all of the time anyway---as a spouse, a sibling, a child, a parent, an employee, a boss, as a customer, ...? When it serves us, we can go along with it; when it hinders us, we can deal with it; but, we do not have to be blind to it.

Well, what does that mean? If I remain focused on making sense of this, this entry will never end---skipping meals, ignoring family, sitting inside when it's beautiful outside, ... Everything is in balance, at least given my intention.

What is Not Seen?

2010-10-27T09:43:00.000-04:00

Those who know me in person would be hard pressed to recall a time they've seen me without a small notebook in hand. In general, they look identical, but there are many of them. Some are filled up requiring a new start while others hit an abrupt end requiring a new start. Either way, there it is.

The notebook is more than an organizational habit. Yes, there are to-do notes, meeting notes (for little things, when the project itself doesn't require its own notebook), sketches, plans, hypothetical calendars, and anything else. More often these days, though, the personal notebook has become the outlet for what would have ordinarily appeared here.

I don't know if there's ultimately value in that aspect of the practice. Giving some blend of the conscious and unconscious access to pen and paper may be therapeutic, making an active process of self-reflection, or it may just be self-indulgent---who knows? If all things are ultimately in balance, it's not really necessary to question that the thoughts will go somewhere; sometimes that's a chat, sometimes that's a walk or a trip to the gym, sometimes that's a blog post, and sometimes that's sitting at the coffee shop or lakeside with the notebook. Either way, sometimes it's private, and sometimes it's not. For when it's private, there's the notebook.

And when there's the notebook, there's also the match...

What the notebook lacks is the ability to connect. Socially, I interact with more people through writing than I do in person. Consider it another inadvertent act of natural balance: within my circumstances, the enjoyment of connecting, the availability of the Internet, and ability to write come together naturally. Given all of this, what balance am I maintaining by channeling thought onto burning paper instead?

Self-reflection says that this post is a hiccup in that private process. The question wouldn't have arisen without it.

We'll see where it leads.

MDA Volunteering with Safeway

2010-10-07T16:21:00.000-04:00

Forward

The period leading up to the end of summer is busy for a number of reasons, but in our case it coincides with the major MDA fund-raising period that leads up to the Labor Day Telethon. Part of our volunteer duties include visiting Safeway grocery stores in the area, raising awareness,participating in different events, and even bagging for the cashiers who are actively requesting donations at the registers. Sometimes it also includes thank-you letters from us to corporate leaders such as the one below.

Nationally, Safeway raised over $11 million, of which nearly $700 thousand came from our region. The money is imporant---we understand this intimately---but there is a deeper level to our own involvement which I occasionally try to convey.

The Letter, 2010

I was reluctant to tell Joby that it was that time of year again. Since we participated last year as guest baggers, Joby’s strength has predictably declined: While last year he was able to stand and move about, loading some smaller bags into patrons’ carts with a simle, this year Joby cannot stand on his feet for more than ten or fifteen minutes before complaining that his “feet are getting tired.”

One evening at dinner, however, Joby surprised us, telling us that when he grew up, he wanted to be a bagger. After hushed giggles, we asked him why? His response was simple and direct: He wants to live with us, his parents, when he grows up, but he does not want to be considered a “freeloader.”

Everyday, our work with the MDA reminds me of one thing perhaps more important than any other: It is never my role to limit my son’s desire or will to be part of society, to interact, to contribute, to exchange, to grow, to enjoy, to love, to live. In this most significant respect, Joby is no different from any other child, and in this same respect I am no different from any other parent.

So I asked and my son answered, and we did commit ourselves to Safeway’s campaign this year as you committed yourselves to us. In each of our store visits, Joby did his best to help as a bagger, and in each case he did tire after ten or fifteen minutes as I knew he would and he returned to his wheelchair to rest. What I did not anticipate---though perhaps I should have---was what would happen in the remaining time: the spirit shared between Joby, the Safeway staff, the Safeway customers, and me, his father, was lifted.

In truth---my truth---the opportunity to share time with my son like this and to work with people who genuinely care is collectively worth more than any money anyone or any organization could possibly raise. In reality, though, we know clearly that the money raised as a result makes opportunities like this possible for us---all of us---hopefully over many more years to come. So today I will leave it to MDA to tell you about how my family and others have benefited and continue to benefit from your generosity; I on the other hand will offer no less than all I have: my family’s heartfelt thanks for this renewal of hope.

On the 20th Anniversary of the Americans with Disabilities Act

2010-07-26T19:14:00.000-04:00

Twenty years ago---only a few months after finishing the physically challenging Army Basic Training---was only half of my life ago, yet it was also ten years before the birth of my ten-year-old son with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy (DMD). There is no way I would have imagined then that we would be hanging the handicapped placard on the rear-view mirror, pushing a wheelchair up and down ramps at shopping centers, sitting at accessible tables in restaurants, and so forth.

So now I ask: If the body is like a brush held by the spirit, then who would question giving everyone the chance paint? What discrimination of any type could there possibly be?

But somehow there is.

Perhaps it is right, then, in those situations where we might lose sight of the artist in favor of the brush, that we have tools to compel beneficial action in the absence of human spirit. And perhaps is good, then, to celebrate the creation of such a tool...

But can we celebrate the law asserting freedom without our drawing the distinction to a person confined to a wheelchair?

Had the distinction never been raised, what would need to be cured?

Fortunately, there is no need to dwell here. You will forget the brush was broken when you see the painting's beauty.

From wherever you are in life, help every spirit to be free.

Writing Over There

2010-07-06T09:44:00.000-04:00

Just a reminder that the posting keeps happening over at the Sword Mountain Aikido and Zen blog.

Recent posts:

and more. It's all the other stuff not seen here, and sometimes there's more other stuff than stuff. Have you visited lately?

"Always with you it cannot be done."

2010-07-03T14:50:00.001-04:00

Atheists Defend their Faith?

2010-06-18T08:29:00.000-04:00

In reality, people who are religious or hold to some conception of God aren’t any different than atheists. Let’s face it, we are all born atheists. ... Atheists simply deny one more God than Christians do. [From: “We’re All Born Atheists”: A Religious Person Defends Non-Belief]

Perhaps it is true that no one is born believing in a god... but then again, who is born disbelieving in a god?

Call and Response

2010-06-18T01:52:00.001-04:00

"It is all a dream" I heard her whisper as I awoke to the sound of prayer flags on the wind.

Z_nStorm

The man looked in the mirror and said, "that's not real", then touched the glass, 'proving' it.

Tao23

It's not surprising that a return to work leads to a lack of posting, though writing is what I would often prefer to be doing. There is certainly no shortage of material, from the mundane family updates to job updates and workplace experiences, and on to the esoteric musings; however, family updates routinely appear on Facebook, muscular dystrophy-related postings appear routinely on my son's Facebook fan page, poetry and impromptu koan exchanges (like the one above) happen in real-time on Twitter, and my deeper, personal explorations of zen and aikido have been off-loaded to my blog with that specific focus, Sword Mountain Aikido & Zen.

With all of that considered, how many Inexhaustible Things remain?

Life is still challenging. Circumstances still change rapidly from day to day. Friends and family alternately suffer and find bliss. Efforts succeed or fail. I blink my eyes and the kids are older and my hair is more grey. Nothing is new under the sun, but everything continues to change.

So, what is there that can possibly be said?

... Beside this post, of course...

... and whatever I'll write next?

What is Disease? Letter to the IAFF through MDA

2010-04-16T10:35:00.001-04:00

Firefighters of the Eastern Region!

It is a beautiful spring day! The sun is shining brightly and a cool breeze blows. In this moment, it is so easy to look at our lawns and forget that not so long ago they were buried in over four-feet of snow, and it is so easy to look up at the leaves budding from the shade trees and forget that in the not too distant future we will be cursing brutally at all of those bags of fallen leaves.

My son, Joby, has Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy (DMD) in much the same way that I have brown hair or you are a firefighter: My hair is not even a thought until I need a haircut, and you are a friend, a neighbor or a stranger I do not even see in passing until my house is ablaze and my children are trapped. But when the sun is beating down, all I can think about is that haircut, and when the flames rise, all I want to see is firemen scrambling to save us. Like this, Joby’s disease is not a disease until it is.

Last summer Joby could walk perhaps a half-mile with us at a very slow pace, and as a family we adjusted and enjoyed. Autumn came and winter left. Now it is spring, and the family itches to walk, but Joby tires after 100 yards. There it is: the disease appeared. Now we remember the past two-mile walks, the climbing on the playground, tossing the ball, swimming in the pool, …; now we see forward to rapid decline, the remodeling of the house, the power wheelchair, the handicap plates, the van with the lift…

But just last week, when we could not afford one of our own, the MDA through their “Equipment Loan Closet” program lent us a manual wheelchair to use for as long as we need it. This simple luxury for my son would cost, I estimate, between $300 and $500 that we simply did not have. One day we sat on the couch watching the sun set, wishing. When the sun rose, we “walked” three miles as a family again, grateful.

They say this disease has no cure, and today that is true—but it is not entirely true. On that one spring day, my hair was not brown, my house did not burn to the ground, and no one in my family suffered from this disease.

In the fall, we will sweat and suffer through days of bagging millions of little leaves, wondering how they can fill so many bags. We won’t likely remember that these were the leaves that were so beautiful today and gave us shade tomorrow. We won’t likely consider how the leaves will be transformed to new soil and new life later outside our sight. But last summer you and your men and women suffered under the brutal sun in your uniforms collecting pennies, nickels, and dimes like beggars from people who would look the other way. This year, though, out of your sight, our family walked around a lake— together—for the first time in two years! That was your autumn; this is Joby's spring. Now, this will be our summer: Joby will attend his first MDA Summer Camp program, likely with many of you present! Know that no child there or family here suffers from disease during that glorious week.

With warmest regards and sincere appreciation for all that you do, ...

Define "Failure," Please...

2010-03-24T20:09:00.000-04:00

I did that thing I haven't done in years: I turned on the talk radio for a moment during a drive. It's health care reform discussion, naturally---well, not health care reform so much as the usual partisan bickering.

Naturally, these talk radio shows themselves thrive and thereby profit from the extreme divisiveness, so it is entertaining to no end to hear listeners being swept away by accusations of partisanship... but it is also sad to hear so many people so passionately rabid about ideas, particularly when the ideas themselves are not connected to any direct experience of their own.

"Because of my ideas about patriotism, I think everyone should do this." "Because of my ideas about compassion, I think everyone should do that." But who really examines these ideas? Who checks their sources?

"I worked hard for this money; I don't want anyone to take it from me." "That person is a deadbeat; why should I support him." "Everyone must have healthcare; it should be legislated." "Personal responsibility is the conerstone of the American Way; get rid of the entire social service infrastructure."

There are as many different points of view as there are people doing the viewing, but then there are some more. Speaking only for myself, I have talents, shortcomings, and experience. In any situation, I have genetic and conditioned predispositions that might shape my gut response, including the range of what I am capable of in response. You're in the same boat, right?

So, if someone with medical training sees an injured person, what should he do? What would stand in the way of a healer healing? Is it the money? Is it the legal culpability if something goes awry? Would it be because the person does not deserve the help in someone's view? Because the healer would like to teach the patient a lesson? Because the healer has different ethics than the patient?

What should the healer do? If you asked me, I'd answer: "Physician, heal thyself."

Within your own circumstances right now, the thought that comes between what enters your consciousness and your response to it is something to be examined, particularly if this thought traps you with feelings of regret and other suffering, and particularly if this thought is not in fact your own.

But what to do after you stumble? Will you carry the thought that you failed forward? It is true: from moment to moment, your circumstances are changed, but this is true whether or not you bring the thought of failure with you. Can you see what is in front of you clearly carrying failure behind you?

Many say we the people were failing before the reform bill was signed. Many say we the people are now failing after the reform bill was signed. There is failure either way; what should we do?

If you ask me, I'll tell you quite simply: If you see someone is hungry, feed him.

This morning I answered this way and someone responded: "If you give a man a fish, you've fed him for the rest of the day. If you teach a man to fish, you've fed him for the rest of his life." Whose idea is this? Does it match your own circumstances right now? Is this piece of wisdom the rule for every instance? How would you behave if it was?

Regardless, I responded: If you see someone who needs to be taught to fish, teach him to fish. If you see someone is hungry, feed him.

Life can be this simple. "Be like water," Bruce Lee might say, though I would add "...unless you are not water, of course."

Examine your thoughts. Clear your mind. Find your way. Follow it.

A Note on Health Care Reform

2010-03-21T14:33:00.000-04:00

My nine-year-old son has a pre-existing condition. He's had it since birth. It's Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy (DMD). It's incurable and it's steadily degenerative.

Through no fault of his own, I lost my job sometime ago. Through no fault of his own, I could not afford COBRA payments, which for a family of four were on par with our modest monthly mortgage payments. Through no fault of his own, I was ignorant of the fact that social services may have been able to provide my kids insurance until well after 61 days from the lapse of the last insurance. Finally, through no fault of his own, now that I am employed again and soon to hold group health insurance through my employer, I am told that my son's disease will be considered a pre-existing condition for the next twelve months.

What does this mean? If my son should fall and break his wrist, perhaps this new injury will be covered. He falls down more frequently these days, though---a natural symptom of the progression of his disease. The next clinic visit might well prescribe the use of a wheelchair as needed to keep him comfortable and to offset such risks, but neither that clinic visit (wherein we see a neurologist, a cardiologist, a pulmonary specialist, a physiatrist, and so forth) nor the wheelchair itself would be covered by our health coverage. He's outgrown the splints he wears at night to keep his heels stretched and flexible, keeping him balanced and on his feet longer. His last pair, which were necessarily custom made to fit him, were covered 100% by insurance, a cost of over $2-thousand---more than a mortgage payment; the next pair will likely not be covered at all.

I suspect I will earn too much for my son to qualify for state or federal help, but it may not be enough to support a very modest lifestyle and pay for his specialists and necessary equipment.

... and again, it's through no fault of his own. After all, he's only nine years old.

In our case, perhaps the Muscular Dystrophy Association will lend support---we'll certainly ask---but I can't help but wonder about the other families, the other children, and the other “pre-existing conditions” that do not have the backing of an organization such as the MDA.

It is America, after all, and in theory my family and every other family has the opportunity to climb to such heights and to achieve such wealth that items such as medical plans are trivial nuisances. I wish everyone this success. However, there is that time between now and then...

Fortunately, it is America, so when the People come together there can be great wisdom in the decisions made on the society's behalf. I hope the People have the courage to speak, that our Representatives have the clarity to hear and wisdom to act, and that Society has the benefit of the response.

Yes, Times are Still Tough

2010-01-17T16:54:00.000-05:00

They say everything is for a reason. Hopefully, that reason is not just because I'm an idiot!

Money is dwindled and the job hunt continues. I've opened myself back up for classified work just before the holidays and have been interviewing. At the lower end, I am actually under-qualified, lacking years of experience in particular technologies. At the mid-level, I'm overqualified---it's surprisingly difficult to hide that in a resume, I've found. At the high-level, where I'm getting most of my calls, it seems that most of what comes is "contingent opportunities"---which means a company would like to use my resume to help them pursue a contract. Sometimes several companies will even make contact about those same positions, everyone headhunting to fill the few key spots...

As I explain to my family, we're one breath away from success and our "ordinary" life---just one breath. That one breath is sometimes elusive, though. Hope is like breathing---also sometimes elusive. But, we're riding it out, wherever it leads.

In the meantime, today is my daughter's birthday, her first as a teenager. My son argued with my wife that it was wrong that we had no presents for her. When she appeared, he chided her with something including "... and you have no birthday presents." It's just typical of the random daily stress I suppose we're certainly not alone in facing, the stuff that can make the holidays painful for many. There are expectations about how things are supposed to be. We have ideas about how things are supposed to be. They come from outside ourselves, we buy into them to fit in, and we suffer when the expectations aren't met. Who knows what is right?

Meanwhile, an entire island nation is falling to pieces with natural disaster; are we so special under our roof?

So, what to do in the meantime? If you're feeling generous and have a spare dollar, there's a button on the top right of this page. If not, it's ok---we'll keep pressing forward! We appreciate our friends' kindness in every form---we always have---from loans to helping to get more students for aikido and bellydancing classes. Thank you all always :-)

Blizzard 2009

2009-12-22T19:18:00.000-05:00

Starting Friday 18 December night and continuing through early Sunday, we were buried with approximately 2' of powdery snow. Though the main roads were handled earlier, the plow did not find us until Sunday night.

A few pictures of snow accumulating in the back yard over the fire pit, table, and chair, as well as some sledding Tuesday afternoon in the front yard. Sis is a great help for her brother!

Eliza, is that you?

2009-11-30T11:55:00.000-05:00

ELIZA was an early computer program mimicing a session with therapist. Rudimentary natural language processing on their end meant that you could have some fun on yours.

CyberCoders seems to have the edge on ELIZA for the job hunt. I've complained in the past that it was clear no person was looking at your resume before the machine scanned it for keywords and emailed you a job description. Inquiries or complaints via email reply were universally ignored. I eventually set up an email filter simply to delete anything from them.

Loosening my rules as job hunt pressures increase, I deleted that rule and naturally started receiving some of the same silliness. Today, though, I received two potential (but not very good) fits. Replying to each with an attached resume, ostensibly to two different recruiters, I asked for information and openned the opportunity for them to offer me other positions that might be better fits. Some time later, but just minutes apart, I received identical fill-in-the-blank form responses from each.

ELIZA could be either fun or frustrating, but in the end you had to note that any reaction at all was fruitless---after all, there's no one on the other side.

Well, CyberCoders is in business and I am not. Maybe someday it would be fun to put my own ELIZA for job hunters out there to compete! Better yet, maybe someday someone will get the whole selling a service aspect of headhunting down to something actually meaningful.

Nothing but fun!

In the meantime, there are actual people making calls and sending emails. We'll see how it goes.

OK, really...

2009-11-28T14:49:00.000-05:00

While they don't give you the guarantee that you will be heard, with only a few mouse clicks and zero dollars to create, blogs do make your thoughts available to the entire networked world. When people Google you, whether you are a person or a company, they're going to find what you've said and what was said about you.

A friend of mine is going through some grief with a former employer, and it looks like she's created a blog to let us know about it. We'll see if in time she names names!

Follow her story at OK, really...

Ignoring or Denying Thought?

2009-11-23T19:46:00.000-05:00

In Aikido class today, I gave a fairly brief introduction to Patriarchal Zen practice so that interested students could begin their own exploration and find for themselves the relevance to our martial arts practice. A student, in an effort to summarize, asked roughly if the practice was about practicing ignoring thought.

In an effort to centralize my hybrid Aikido & Zen studies, I've been posting my thoughts and responses on the Sword Mountain Aikido & Zen website. You can find my first-draft answer to this question here.

Please feel free to visit and comment!

Signs You Knew Better?

2009-11-18T12:21:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in the library, on the Internet, looking for work. I took my coffee with me this morning in a travel mug given to me by the company that last laid me off. It reads:

SAIC

From Science to Solutions

Technology Research Integration and Business Unit

We were TRIBU: "Technology Research and Integration" Business Unit.

Check the last line on that travel mug again... "Feel free to carry them in customer spaces!"

Amazing.

So, disclaimer: SAIC is a very big corporation with many, many business units and certainly hires good people and does good work. Still, ...

Powerless

2009-11-14T13:15:00.001-05:00

How powerful you are

To convince yourself of your

Own powerlessness!

The evidence of whatever you believe is all around you. You cannot help but find it. You will create its truth or die trying.

The truth does not depend upon your belief. So, now what?

Birthday Wishes?

2009-11-09T12:16:00.002-05:00

I've already been cautioned about wishing for more wishes, so let's
try a different angle, an experiment of sorts: What if *my* birthday
wish this year is that *your* wish comes true...

That your dream would be held in someone else's intentions -- that
could be pretty powerful, don't you think? Is it worth searching your
soul and drumming up a little faith that it just might be work?
So, what would it be?

You've got until I see a few candles and am instructed to blow them
out to let me know, so don't delay! Post openly, post anonymously, or
send me a private message - your choice. Get on it!

"Dolly Parton's Resume"

2009-11-06T12:20:00.002-05:00

It's no secret. Everybody knows. It's public knowledge. No matter how much I try to dress myself down, though, there they are: I have longstanding credentials in the defense / intelligence sector, and I have held a security clearance in the past.

But it has been a long time coming---arguably since I started down that path---that I knew that that was not the right place for me. I stuck with it, though, and explored it from every possible angle---as a soldier in the Army, as a civilian government employee, as a commercial contract employee, and even as an independent contractor---and still I had the lingering feeling that this path was simply not for me. In exploring this space, I was an Arabic linguist, a mathematician, a computer scientist, software and systems engineers, a telecomms guy, as a worker and as a manager---and, again, I had the lingering feeling that this path was simply not for me.

And so, when the next round of nonsense occurred at the office and the next radical changes occurred at home, I declared that I was done. Period. I am going to find a better way.

Now, all of the time I spent trying to find a way to love what I was doing, but ultimately learning how much I disliked it and why I was doing it? That time just made me increasingly attractive to the people I don't want to be in bed with anymore. And that sharpens my dislike. And that attracts more of these situations. And that sharpens my dislike. And that attracts more of these situations. And ...

Whoops.

This is not to say that I am imagining the strong undertow that would pull me out to sea. In fact, just this past week I was persuasively invited up to an office suite to check out their etchings---which, naturally, turned out to be classified. How could it have been otherwise?! In my view, I'd been duped. I allowed myself to believe that I was being heard during the 40-minute phone interview a week earlier wherein I was very clear about my intentions. And there I found myself, in their space, hopeful... And then there it was: The Expected Proposition.

But even this, my description of the encounter, shows my state of aggravation bleeding through. In fact, what was offered was something more akin to this: "We heard you say you do not want to do classified work anymore. How about you hold a clearance, work closely with them in a classified advisor capacity, and direct mostly-unclassified technical work on their behalf?" I am sure they thought they were being helpful in some way while doing their best to sell me on the idea, but clouded with what they wanted to see they did not hear me clearly either.

How do you escape this pattern?

Dolly Parton has great legs.

Expecting to see ... obstacles? ... you will see only obstacles and perhaps you will miss the opportunities. Staying clear and on course is a challenge, but you must know that that is where the solution will appear.

In the meantime:

Hey, Tech Companies with something to offer the Intelligence Community!!! Do you know what is more attractive and more profitable than providing cleared bodies? Selling them software tools that they can use!!! Do you know what they need? Do you know what would give your product an edge? Do you know how to get them in? Do you want to?

Hey, Any Company!!! I bet you're stuck in a rut that you don't even know you have. Do you really know how you are seen? Have you really considered your alternatives? How would you know if you did? It's an interesting question, don't you think? What do customers, providers, and employees really see when they interact with you? Do you know? Are you sure?

Do you see a guy who can help?

Or, do you see a previously-cleared body you think you could dust off and bill out.

Let me know.

Zen River Crossing

2009-11-02T12:01:00.000-05:00

Came to cross the river

Realized, "Already there..."

Where did the raft go?

No, no essay---just the not-quite-a-haiku.

New at Sword Mountain - Ikkyo vs. Not-Ikkyo: Intention in Aikido

2009-10-30T17:19:00.000-04:00

Just a heads-up to readers here that new Aikido and Zen material is posted to the Sword Mountain Aikido and Zen blog. The latest installment, "Ikkyo versus Not-Ikkyo: Intention in Aikido" describes my own failure in teaching a technique and how that is a personal point of practice for me.

Read and comment!

Great Wisdom!

2009-10-17T12:05:00.001-04:00

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Aikido: Uke, Nage, & Mushin - Still active!

2009-10-11T16:07:00.000-04:00

Just a pointer to new readers that the old thread is very slow, but still active. There's a focus of my personal practice discussed in there, so naturally I'd like to keep the conversation going!

If you're interested in the place where martial arts and Zen practice meet, revisit the thread:

Inexhaustible Things: Aikido: Uke, Nage, and Mushin

and keep tabs on Sword Mountain Aikido and Zen, where we're working to explore these connections more deeply in practice.

For those martial artists in the Severn, MD 21144 area, Baltimore Zen Center will be running a seminar on the connections between the Tae Kown Do and Zen practices this Saturday 17 October! Visit the BZC website for details.

Sword Mountain Aikido and Zen

2009-10-01T15:20:00.000-04:00

Just a note to readers here that much of my future Aikido and Zen postings will appear at the new website, Sword Mountain Aikido and Zen.

Many of my local friends and I are challenged by schedule and the commute to my home base at the Baltimore Zen Center, particularly when faced with work, homeschooling, and family responsibilities. To extend the reach, making Aikido and Zen more accessible to the locals, I'm inviting any interested friends to join me in my own practices in Columbia, Maryland.

If you're interested in learning more, wherever you are, view the new blog and send an email!

Zen and Aikido: An Exercise

2009-09-17T17:20:00.000-04:00

First, a Technique

We begin with your opponent, the uke, standing in front of you, grabbing your arms at the elbows, pushing slightly. Your job is to slide off-line to the left with your left foot---whether entering forward or retreating back---and then pivot on the ball of your left foot so that your right leg swings around behind you, turning you 180-degrees. If you can do this while raising uke's right elbow---the one grabbing your left arm---while simultaneously lowering uke's left arm, your opponent will lose his balance and be thrown.

In the Aikido parlance, this is a "pivot throw," one of any number of kokyunage techniques---also known as "timing throws," or "breath throws"---that seemingly rely more upon finesse than any other principles to throw your opponent. These are the techniques that you cannot "make work;" they are not forced so much as they simply happen by virtue of the circumstances, which in this case are uke's push and your pivoting out of the way, essentially allowing uke to fall on his own accord. In a sense, uke throws himself with minimal guidance from you.

Fundamentally, these kokyunage techniques happen because you do not provide your opponent with the reaction---in this case, the resistance to his push---that he expects.

So, how do we teach a technique that should just happen? In Aikido, we traditionally do this beginning with a contrivance: Uke knows in advance that he will be thrown with this technique and willingly gives his energy to create the attack without attempting to resist or to counter your defense; this allows you the opportunity to practice.

Here, martial arts "realists" are very critical: "That technique will never work. What if I do this?"

The Experiment

After practicing this one technique for a bit, we change the instructions: We begin the same way, with your opponent grasping your elbows; this time, however, you grasp your opponent's elbows as well. Now your orders: "See who can throw who first. Begin!"

As you might expect, a lot of fun chaos ensues. Classmates jockey for advantage, whirl each other about, push and pull, and so forth. One or both eventually fall, and they get up and begin again. You may conclude that the realists were right: that pivot throw technique for the most part did not work...

... but who said to use that technique or to make it work?

The Zen in the Martial Art

Let's do a very quick analysis from the coarse to the fine:

Beginning with the intention to throw and not to be thrown, the nature of the interaction changes from the outset. This was no longer, "I was pushed, so naturally I pivoted;" this was "I must defeat you." There was palatable tension between each pair---playful, friendly tension, but tension nonetheless. The habitual tendency to meet resistance with resistance and to "lock horns" was clearly evident, and this is contrary to traditional Aikido teaching of relaxation in the face of conflict.

The assumption that we must use the last technique and make it work---and the assumption parallel assumption that your opponent will be trying to use this same technique on you---naturally foiled any successful outcome more often than not. It cannot be overstated: making a technique work (in the sense of forcing a technique) is not the province of Aikido.

Why did everyone inevitably hold on to his opponent's elbows throughout the interaction, even while being swung about? Yes, it was the starting position, but recall that the successful throw did not require the defender to grab. Interestingly enough, the students did not maintain the grabs because they thought they had to; rather, more focused on the game, their minds were essentially not free to consider releasing the grip! When the mind is focused over here, it is not tracking what's going on over there.

Finally, when the circumstances were right, the technique did just happen.

After discussing these points, we resumed the same practice with a new objective: Become an observer in the interaction. See if you can notice when you have locked horns with your opponent. See if you can notice when you are stuck in the interaction, and see if you can recover and fix it. See if you can feel when something is not working and then change it. See how you respond when you are pushed or when you are pulled. What is your natural reaction? Can you notice it and change it on the fly? Also take the time to explore your partner's reactions---what happens when you push or pull? Are you actually aware that, except perhaps for your elbows themselves, your entire body is available to you? And are you aware that, when your opponent is grabbing your elbows, his own hands are not immediately available to harm you, and that if you keep his mind occupied or off-balanced, he might not be able to let go?

It would be nice to say that this miraculous insight resulted in perfect Aikido, but of course that was not the case. The quality of the practice did change toward better Aikido, though, and that is a good thing.

Some Notes

I explain very simplistically---and perhaps erroneously---that Aikido is a layer above jujitsu techniques. We have whatever physical techniques (and underlying principles) that we can master under stress at our disposal. Using them freely---"with mind and body integrated," as some would say---to generate spontaneous and appropriate responses to physical encounters is part of the deeper Aikido practice itself. Deeply realizing---and not in an intellectual sense---that mind and body were never separated in the first place, and manifesting this realization in daily life, is a goal of the Way (the "do" in Aikido) itself.

The parallels to how Zen practitioners work in meditation are unmistakable.

And as always, this is the focus of my own study as well as my teaching.

Baltimore FD Fills the Boot for MDA!

2009-09-03T16:56:00.003-04:00

Joby and I spent all day Tuesday with the brave firefighters of Baltimore City. For Joby, it was a chance to meet the big city's firefighters and to see trucks and other equipment; for the firefighters, it was a chance to meet Joby and his family.

For over 70 continuous years---including the last 50+ years of Jerry Lewis' MDA Labor Day Telethon---the Baltimore Fire Department has actively participated in Muscular Dystrophy Association's "Fill the Boot" campaign to raise funds for Jerry's Kids. In this event, whatever the weather, on-shift or off, firefighters work the intersections, the streets, the bars, the homes, and so forth, asking you to toss your spare change or better into their boots for Jerry's Kids. When the calls come in, they take off to do their jobs; when done, they return to their corners---amazing!

But is it really worth it to stand about in the summer heat, sweating, tired, essentially begging for spare change? What difference can a boot-full of change and singles make? MDA's National office prepared a video that the MDA representative showed to the assembled troops. I don't know if the data is from last year or earlier, but in the end, firefighters nationwide collected and donated over $27 million to the MDA during the telethon!

Now, what does that mean for the families? That is what Joby and I were there to tell them...

This was not an easy day. MDA has already helped us tremendously in just these two years since my son's diagnosis. To light a fire under these firefighters, so to speak, who are quite accustomed to seeing tragedy, it was up to us to connect with them very deeply, share our story, inspiring them to do their best in this brief effort. To share so deeply and completely about things such as the progression of a deadly disease that affects your child, job loss, loss of insurance, family stress, the types of doctors and specialists we see, the bills we face, and so forth, is draining...

... But it was also very important.

My speech was impromptu for each of the four appointments, but there was certain commonality. As usual, though, my closing message remained the same: Be generous, with this or any other cause that you support. Give not out of a sense of guilt, but from a place of joy! Enjoy the giving; have fun in the fundraiser! And then know that it is for a good and worthy cause, and that MDA takes the product of your joy to handle the sadness and grief of those in need.

Within the next few days when I am more recovered, I hope to post the content here. In the meantime, when the firemen approach you at a stoplight, don't drop your head or turn away... Do what you can.

And watch the telethon this weekend! Donate there to the cause, or push the "Donate" button on this blog to give to Joby directly. Every penny counts here, too.

MDA Fundrasing

2009-08-13T14:49:00.004-04:00

Every year, business people, community leaders, and others are voluntarily arrested and "locked-up." While in custody, they make calls to raise bail money, dollars that are donated to the Muscular Dystrophy Association (MDA). It's a fun day for everyone, and this year my son will be making an appearance at the local lock-up, Jordan's Steakhouse in Ellicott City, MD 21403, to remind the good folks what this event is all about!

To give the effort that meaning that a large organization simply cannot, local families are given the opportunity to write a letter explaining what the organization means to them.

Below is my own.

Be generous with this, but if not with this then with any other cause that you support. Give not from guilt or fear, but give from joy, and give from your heart.

Dear Jailbird,
When I was young, the MDA Telethon was a nuisance that interrupted my regularly scheduled television programs. Later in life, I tried not to make eye contact when walking by as people intercepted asking me if I would be willing to contribute to "Jerry's Kids." More recently, I would hope a quick "No, not today, thank you," would pass without challenge when the Safeway cashier would ask if I'd like to contribute to support MDA.
Just two years ago in July, though, as my wife and I were making arrangements for his seventh birthday party, the phone call came confirming our worst fear: My own son is one of Jerry's Kids.
At age 40, 15 years into my marriage, I learned my 7-year-old son is not likely to live past his early 30s. Joby has Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy (MDA link).
It is cliche, but it is true: there are no words that adequately describe how a family is affected. Every expectation for a normal life is shattered in an instant. But in that instant, too, our family grew: Standing prominently alongside the neurologists, the physical medicine specialists and therapists, the cardiologists and the pulmonary specialists, the geneticists, the nurses, and all the others---and with equal stature---are the MDA representatives, working for the children and for their families, doing whatever it takes to help in every way.
You have undoubtedly seen the list of all of what the MDA does---fighting for the cure on every front all while ensuring the best quality of life possible for these children and their families. They were all just nice words until I personally lost my job and my health insurance, and my wife and I realized the terror that I could not provide for my son's care. The MDA stepped in and removed that burden right away.
We thought that we were alone; we learned that we were not. That is the MDA.
This is not written to saddle you with our own pain and suffering; to the contrary, I want nothing less than for you to have fun and joy in this fund-raising event!!! Enjoy this game knowing that the MDA will do the rest for us. Know that the cause is good, that the dollars are well-spent, and that your effort truly has deep meaning to the affected children and to their families.
You have our undying gratitude as well as our smiles!

On behalf of my family as well as MDA (Maryland, Washington DC, and National)

Aikido: "Something doesn't feel right..."

2009-07-14T11:42:00.005-04:00

"Sensei, something doesn't feel right. Can you show us what we're doing wrong?"

Day in and day out, they come to class three times per week for a bit over two years. These were the words I was waiting for!

Alternating roles as attacker and defender, the pair was apparently able to complete the technique, but they understood that something was not quite right...

What Could be Wrong?

The outward forms, the physical techniques themselves, are not my own primary focus as their teacher; rather, there are the principles---the sensitivity to the changing circumstances and conditions, the connection between the attacker and defender, realization of your own self and your role in the encounter, and so forth---that are present within the martial interaction, which are my ultimate focus. Yes, the context---the physical combat---is very important, of course, and you must train to be successful there; but, can you remain conscious enough during each encounter to realize when you are "doing Aikido" versus when you are not? When you are wrestling, horns locked, versus when you are in control of yourself?

Yes, that statement was not an error. Ultimately, you may "win" or "lose" the physical encounter---Aikido does not skirt reality in this respect; however, how that win or loss occurs is a very important matter. If during the encounter you become so committed to making a particular technique work that you force it, you have lost yourself whether or not you ultimately throw or pin your partner---you've lost the Aikido. If you act out of pride, anger, or even folly to win a laugh, the result is the same: you've lost yourself whether or not you win the encounter. If you "must win," or you "must not lose"? Same thing.

I teach over time that the greatest first step toward really learning Aikido is recognizing that feeling when you are have fallen from a relaxed, somewhat effortless state, into wrestling. It takes time to reach even this point within the context of a very physical, sometimes painful encounter: The framework---some tangible martial techniques themselves---have to be internalized and have to be functional in an encounter even when that special feeling of "Aikido is happening" is not present. Once internalized such that performance does not rely upon conscious attention and thought, we can free the mind to shape and adjust the encounter by shaping and adjusting our response. Techniques---the forms---fall away; the principles become the tools that are available to us. In this state, we can begin to observe our own minds---checking where our attention is, checking what our intention is---and we can begin to recognize when we are actually performing Aikido. Moreover, we begin to recognize when those with whom we interact are actually present (or, "centered") or trapped in a chain of thought and action. Here is where we can begin to master ourselves regardless of our circumstances, and here is where we can begin to bring others to this same realization.

... and one sign that the student is reaching this level may well be the utterance, "Something doesn't feel right..."

How wonderful for us all!!! I have a few students who are now ready to begin!

Integrating Mind & Body

As an aside, the self-defense aspects are not ancillary on this particular path. It is often heard in Aikido circles that this martial art is concerned with "integrating the mind and body." For this to be true, it is sensible to assume that both mind and body need be present in the training. In general, my body can do its thing regardless of whether my mind wanders about. Similarly, focusing the mind on something does not guarantee I will stop breathing, for instance, or even trip when walking a simple path---things I know well. Sometimes the body can lead the mind ("I'm hungry!"), interrupting the work of the mind; sometimes the mind can lead the body ("Let's see if they have a book about Aikido on the shelves..."); but, the body can generally do what the body knows how to do without much active input from the mind, and vice versa.

If I am walking down the block, though, and I become captivated by a passing pretty girl, I may well walk into a telephone pole---an unfavorable outcome of mind and body not integrated.

If we pick an activity that the body understands, we can use it as a platform to investigate the interaction of mind and body. If we begin with a martial art but ignore the reality of a physical encounter, we are at best training our mind alone---we are not training our mind to remain present when our body is stressed as when we are under physical attack. Similarly, if we only train physically, ignoring the mind's role, when under even just verbal attack, the body may interpret conditions of attack and respond as it has been trained---physically. By training them together, we create the conditions to practice recognizing different kinds of "assaults"---or, stimuli---to our person that stress us, and to respond spontaneously and appropriately without being caught up and swept away in the encounter.

If we train to maintain this consciousness during extreme duress, we hope we may carry over this awareness to the more mundane activities---or, from a different perspective, we may see the formerly mundane everyday life activities now with as much acuity as we experience when under physical attack!

There are, of course, less physically stressful paths to learning these skills. Activities such as kyudo (archery), shodo (calligraphy), chado (tea ceremony), and ikebena (flower arranging) from Japanese heritage do the same work on the individual---bringing full presence to the physical activity in which you are engaged. Even one popular Zen practice of shikantaza (a "just sitting" form of Zen meditation) gives the practitioner the opportunity to practice with the mind while performing an activity requiring no mastery of fancy pins and throws---just sitting down! Doing the dishes and vacuuming may not have fancy titles, but they can be practiced similarly. Each can be surprisingly complicated to perform with mind and body integrated. Each is a practice in being present in what you are doing in your daily life, however seemingly exalted or mundane.

Not one is an exercise in being present in pretending to do something else...

... though, yes: being fully present in the conscious act of pretending is a loophole we can discuss another day.

The body is not here while the mind is there and the body is not there while the mind is here; they are together. Whatever one may call the activity you are doing, be fully engaged.

Aikido at the Baltimore Zen Center

While I introduce these more esoteric concepts slowly to my youngsters in my homeschool Aikido class, I am working to start an Aikido practice group at the Baltimore Zen Center (913 Reece Road, Severn, MD 21144) that explores this particular aspect of Aikido in the context of Zen studies. We are currently meeting MWF 7-9 p.m. at a price of $75 per month to help support the activity and the center. We invite people who would like to make this the primary focus of their Aikido training as well as people who would like to practice with us as an adjunct to their current training (in Aikido or any other martial art) to contact us for details. We are also interested in connecting with people elsewhere with similar focus or an interest in this activity. Again, feel free to contact us!

MDA Camp Canceled / The Story "Maybe"

2009-06-23T11:24:00.003-04:00

For those keeping up here rather than elsewhere, we received our next rude jolt from the Universe Friday evening.

We were sitting at the pool with friends while our kids splashed about when at 7 P.M., my wife's phone and my phone began ringing in sequence with numbers we didn't recognize. Checking the voicemail, it was the Muscular Dystrophy Association (MDA) office in Maryland. My wife returned the call and relayed the message to me:

"Camp is canceled."

... that is, the MDA Summer Camp, our son's first, the one that was to start on Sunday.

Muscular dystrophy patients, particularly the older ones, are prone to respiratory problems as the cardio-pulmonary muscles deteriorate. The Swine Flu epidemic, we were told, had already affected several of the camps that had occurred across the nation, sending campers to the hospital for care. The MDA made the call to cancel the remaining camps to avoid endangering additional campers.

We were all devastated.

We only received my son's diagnosis just under two years ago. Naturally, we knew something was off, but to us he was normal. We moved through the first year of sadness like rocks through a tumbler, somewhat damaged, somewhat polished; yet, as his life increasingly deviates in form from that of other boys his age, we see forward a bit beyond his focus.

We were invited to apply last year to the MDA Summer Camp program, but declined. With him still very active and with us having some cash in hand, we wanted the time together---there would be time for the camps later. This year, though, the choice was harder. My son has only a few peer friends and his physical activities are increasingly limited; he reaches out for more contact and play, and loves the different activities associated with any camping adventure...

... but, was I ready to give my son such a glimpse into his own future?

It does not take a Zen master's insight to see the error in my thinking, but this issue is very real---and very common---to parents, and simply knowing this truth is not enough to clear the apprehension.

Unemployed for far too long, money and insurance are issues to us. The application itself was a bit overwhelming. What we would have to accomplish before the deadline seemed insurmountable at the eleventh hour. The stress even in considering it given every other issue was terrible. We put off one or two calls from the MDA, which was waiting for our decision. We were initially wait-listed, so this was something we did not have to consider---fate made the choice---but then the slot opened and we had to decide on our own. My wife handed me her phone one morning; the MDA representative was on the line... I took the call, ostensibly to tell her that we would decline, but ended up to agreeing to send our son.

The MDA knows our fears; after all, they have been working with parents in our position for many, many years. She told me very clearly what I already knew beneath my fear: in my words, the child does not yet suffer from the parent's disease; he does not see himself as handicapped. He knows he has limitations, of course, and he knows that he is different, but he does not handicap himself. Just as importantly, though, the MDA Camps and counsellors have broad experience in handling these situations, the parents and the kids.

We did the paperwork, engaging MDA and Children's Hospital in DC for their help, and we were approved for the camp---and we gave my son the celebratory news! He made a paper chain, tearing one link away each day in the countdown, and chatted incessantly about the coming adventure with everyone. We attended a "meet the counselors" event, and met wonderful people and fellow campers. The excitement continued to build: there would be horseback riding, Harley Davidson sidecar rides, swimming, arts & crafts, dancing, firehouses competing for the best meal made for the kids, ... Anyone would be envious!

As our own submission was delayed, so to was the notice of our application's acceptance---as well as the camp packing list. The free camp would not be entirely free to us... The packing list for a full week away is quite extensive. We lacked several items and had delayed buying new things while money is short. We scrambled to decide what was really necessary, to find the money, and to make some purchases...

... and then we received the news.

... and now we're trying to have a fun week with the boy at home.

These roller coasters are emotionally trying and exhausting, creating all sorts of friction when people are most vulnerable. Through it all, though, there is something to learn: What is the source of all of the feelings of elation and devastation?

There is an old story found in the Zen tradition known by some as "Maybe."

There was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically.

“Maybe,” the farmer replied.

The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed.

“Maybe,” replied the old man.

The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune.

“Maybe,” answered the farmer.

The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.

“Maybe,” said the farmer.

...

The story, of course, has no end.

Why do things unfold as they do? It is, of course, a mystery. How such an unfolding affects us, though, is where our work lies.

[The "Maybe" story has variants; the edition above was found here: http://www.renegadezen.com/zen-stories/maybe.]

Children's Hospital Visit

2009-06-19T10:31:00.004-04:00

We had a full day in the hospital as our son was in for full work-ups in cardiology and pulmonary departments. As usual, nothing went as planned, but that's not to say it was a terrible day.

Children's Hospital truly is an amazing place to visit, with so many levels of humanity operating simultaneously right in front of you. There are the ordinary people on the job, taking their breaks for lunch, walking between here and there in the halls. There are families most assuredly in despair with news of their children's prognosis. There are the old hats, people who are further along on the path with their children and their long-termed issues. There are kids on the mend. The hospital has all of the hustle of walking in a city, and there is also the bureaucracy and paperwork involved in trying to accomplish anything...

What is truly amazing, though are those professionals who interact directly with the children...

There really are no words.

And it is true: When we have encountered any difficulties with the administrative folks who may lose themselves temporarily serving the system rather than the people, we have found incredible support both from unique champions close to the professional staff as well as, in our case, from members of the Muscular Dystrophy Association who are present at the hospital. We can't thank them enough.

Next week, our son is off to his first MDA Summer Camp, a full week packed with enough activities to make even me jealous!

Aikido: Uke, Nage, and Mushin

2009-06-11T15:19:00.004-04:00

The following is a bit ugly and unpolished, though hopefully useful in draft form. The short essay is part of an on-going discussion between Ron Ragusa and me on AikiWeb. Most recently, we are considering the roles of uke and nage---are they two sides of the same coin?---and we are questioning whether it is necessary to "hold" the state of mushin. Here are my latest thoughts:

Before there can be "just aikido," there is "learning aikido," which generally includes principles and techniques as well as the roles of uke and nage.

In "learning aikido," it is useful to experience "completely centered" and "completely committed" as two extremes of the "placement" of attention / intention---or "ki." I might call the absence of any particular intention or any particular attention to something---such as an adversary's wrist or weapon---mushin, or "completely centered;" and, I might call the laser-like focus upon something---such as "I will grab his wrist!"---"completely committed."

I believe that one type of valuable uke-nage interaction is for uke to practice being completely committed and for nage to practice being completely centered. Practicing in this extreme way, at whatever speed, is often perceived to be ridiculous from the self-defense or martial point of view; however, from the perspective of learning what it is to have mind and body integrated, learning what it is to be led (or, to have "ki led") versus what it is to be "centered," this is very valuable training.

In never practicing this way, we may never sense the full range of the continuum of attention / intention; however, in only practicing this way, we are subject to an equally terrible error: We may develop the habit either of always yielding / being led, or always remaining firm, seeing only the extremes, unable to handle situations in between.

In training we eventually experience what one might consider a third state: distraction. Whether distraction occurs by virtue of something "real" to the encounter such as the momentary blinding by a bright light," or by virtue of something "not real" to the encounter, such as wondering what is for dinner, we should see it for what it is, something essentially no different than focusing upon your adversary's grip or trying to make that technique work, knocking you from your centered (or focused) state most unproductively. Here again, though, if we can recognize the affects of distraction upon our state of mind and body, we can learn to use distraction to our advantage as well as not to be hindered by it.

As we progress from "learning aikido" toward "just aikido," I believe the roles of uke and nage naturally (and, hopefully) tend to dissolve in advanced practice. More time for both players is spent in mushin, attachment to distractions as well as to outcomes of launched attacks and defenses is relaxed, and focused intent becomes more of an impulse rather than sustained effort. This is not to say that attacks or defenses are necessarily less powerful; rather, like shooting an arrow, we are at the ready, and when an opening is noted, the arrow is let loose with only an impulse. Like this, the body is set into motion and immediately returns to its centered state, ready to adjust the action, to deal with a counter, or to launch the next blow. Every action, then, is generated from the centered state; this is mind and body integrated without resistance. Releasing focus upon performing a particular technique---once there is physical competence with that technique, of course---as nage, and feeling when your opponent is off-balanced in performing a technique upon you as uke, this is the foundation for being sensitive to changing conditions, which in turn is the root of changing technique (henka waza) and reversal (kaeshi waza) practices on the mats---as well as the prevention of the same.

Consider an example: I am not persisting with the Ikkyo technique, simply because I am doing Ikkyo---I am not doing anything. I launched what you might call "Ikkyo" (if you were forced to classify it) and returned to center; the body knows the rest from practice, and it is open to what happens next through relaxed mushin. To say, "I am doing Ikkyo," or forcing an interaction to resemble a model Ikkyo, or driving on toward completing a model Ikkyo past when the interaction calls for it or past it being an appropriate response, are all actions rooted in thought, concepts, and ideas, rather than the the situation and your center. Mushin is long gone; seasoned practitioners know the resulting difference in feeling.

The question has also been raised regarding whether mushin is something to be pursued or whether it is something that appears quite naturally when necessary. The active pursuit of being centered is in itself an off-balancing activity by definition---after all, we are focused upon the activity; however, in much the way that medicines are poisons to what they cure, there are focused practices to bring about centeredness. Does mushin naturally appear when needed? Insomuch as mushin is related to that "everything was moving in slow motion"-type experience we feel under extreme circumstances, I suppose it does; however, we should consider these points:

(1) Does mushin's appearance guarantee action, let alone an appropriate action? The clarity to see something falling and to grab it---is this mushin or simply instinct? What if the falling object was a hot pan from the stove? Can we improve the appropriateness of our responses with practice?

(2) Is there value in maintaining mushin under other-than-extreme circumstances? Arguably, most people spend most of the time distracted by some combination of their own senses and their own thoughts---sleep walking, so to speak. Is there value in practicing to maintain centered awareness under more ordinary circumstances?

It is hard to imagine an answer other than "yes" to either question.

But this discourse is very cloudy in itself. Let's consider a different way of responding: If you asked me, "Are the roles of uke and nage the same or different?" and I responded, "I hate when my partner throws himself," would you appreciate the meaning now given the above?

Aikido, Zen, and the Clear Response

2009-05-01T14:12:00.004-04:00

Why do you say what you say, why do you do what you do, and what does it mean to do either for "the right reasons"? In Aikido and Zen, we study these issues critically... and still sometimes we make mistakes.

A case and point is made in my latest posting on the Baltimore Zen Center's blog here: Aikido, Zen, and the Clear Response

Feel free to read and comment!

What is the Meaning of Rank?

2009-03-28T15:06:00.004-04:00

If it was asked as a question in koan exchange, it would be hard to beat this picture's response. Perhaps the response has even more value in that the question was not even asked!

Three times per week, my daughter attends Aikido class with me. It's simply what she does. She enjoys the physical activity, and she enjoys the company of her friends. Class begins, class progresses, and class ends; then, the day continues.

Why does she do it? Does she care about what anyone else thinks about her practice or how anyone else judges her techniques? You be the judge.

OT: The Job Hunt

2009-03-25T16:56:00.005-04:00

I have uncountably many stories from different job hunts over the years---I'm sure everyone does---but sometimes I am so dumbstruck that I have to share. After applying for a specific position through a staffing firm's website and hearing nothing in reply, I finally received the following note:

Hello Joseph,
As we all know, times are tough right now and we are constantly striving to build new and viable contract relationships with different companies. Our records show you recently submitted an application to us through our database. As we look for opportunities that fit your skill set, could you please provide us with any companies where you have applied recently? This will aid us in finding more opportunities to better serve you. If you have found an opportunity, please let us know any human resource contact information to help us with new sales leads.

Thank you.

What could I do? Well, reply, of course:

Hi, [Name]-

In these competitive times, I am certainly trying to ensure my capabilities are widely represented to potentially interested companies and organizations. Duplication of that effort is, naturally, counter-productive and potentially an affront to hiring agents. Toward that end, would you mind providing me with all of [Staffing Firm]'s existing contracts and contacts so that I can better enable my own search by focusing elsewhere?

I appreciate your help. Best regards!

I know that every contact is potentially an opportunity, potentially a test, and potentially anything else; however, we all must, in the end, cut through the nonsense and respond only as ourselves without being entangled by the dance. Assume that I've either offended the fellow or that I've demonstrated my savvy in deflecting his request and showing my understanding of the value of proprietary information---who knows?

If there is a reply, I'll let you know!

A Zen Parenting Moment

2009-03-14T16:34:00.002-04:00

Rather than duplicating the post here, feel free to visit "A Zen Moment in Parenting" on the Baltimore Zen Center's site.

Show me Your True Face: Zen & the Internet

2009-03-03T17:05:00.002-05:00

[Cross-posted from the Baltimore Zen Center's site. Visit and comment!]

When you speak, what is speaking? When you listen, what is hearing?

Does your eye see? A corpse has eyes, yet what does it see?

When friends, family, or lovers communicate with a level of familiarity or intimacy, what is they are sharing? Ultimately, there is a mind-to-mind sharing of the intimacy itself. The intimacy is manifest on every level within the expression, and in turn it is perceived through the other's senses. Juxtapose this with a dealing with an aggressive salesman. When you interact with the salesman, are you talking to the real person, or are you talking to the person's want to make a sale? Do you not perceive this in the person's appearance, actions, voice, and so forth? All of the senses reassemble what they perceive and reintegrate into "salesman."

This process is not perfect, of course. If either the transmitter or the receiver is not operating properly, the message is garbled. For instance, "salesman" can easily be misinterpreted as "sensitive friend" if that is what you hope to see. Similarly, in spite of your best intentions and efforts, if you have doubt in your efforts, the doubt is transmitted.

This is a non-trivial concern for students of Zen. Your everyday life is ultimately an expression of your state of mind. Similarly, how you perceive everything around you is skewed by your state of mind. It is easy to become trapped by what and how you perceive.

What has proven to be an interesting exercise is to examine what happens when, one by one, we delete the senses and continue communicating. With fewer checks to gauge our understanding, will we go awry? Consider email as an example: Even though we can use as many words as we like, how many arguments arise from misinterpreting email? Lacking the visible cues such as body language as well as even the audible tone of the words as they were meant to be spoken, the transmission is garbled. Inevitably, we blame the medium if and when the misunderstanding is brought to light.

But is this reasonable? What is actually the source of misinterpretation? Who provides---or, "projects"---the interpretation that is not matching? Where there may have been room for doubt in the meaning, why would one assume what was meant instead of asking for clarification?

No matter how in tune we are with our senses, a clouded mind will take the inputs and misinterpret them. Sometimes, all we can actually do to increase the odds of clear transmission is to work to perfect our own state of mind.

Twitter (link) is a popular internet service that allows the individual to shout a message of no more than 140 characters into the ether. If no one is listening for it, and no one searches for it, it may never be heard. Occasionally though, perhaps through direct contact or through searching for key words, you may be found, and someone may subscribe to your announcements---perhaps even respond. A new social dynamic is created.

The communication channel is certainly limited, though. There is little that can actually be transmitted in 140 characters. Subtle gestures and tone may be reduced to including a smiley-faced emoticon or the like, presuming the two or three characters can be spared. If you are going to become familiar with another person's mind through this medium, you must adapt your own.

The other day, I encountered a twitter user who announced the following (paraphrased) policy: "If you do not have a picture, I will not follow you." In fact, in Twitter, you can chose a picture (or "avatar") that will show up with every one of your messages. It allows for ease of identification of messages of from any particular person or entity---for instance, a business may use it's logo. You can select any picture of anything (subject to copyright law, I suppose), to stand beside your communications. In this light, what does this person's policy---"If I do not have a snapshot of who you are, I am not interested in listening to what you have to say?"---mean?

If someone is a sailor and chats about all things sailing, would it not be more interesting to see a picture of his boat---a clear picture of what is his mind? What do we expect to see in a still picture of someone's face? Is that face who he really is? Is the value of his mind anchored to the appearance of his face? Ultimately, we ask how attached to the senses are we when we share our minds?

Naturally, there is comfort in retrofitting new technologies to our old ways, but in reality, this is illusory.

People who embrace these technologies fully and without attachment to old ways inevitably do not have these issues. Perhaps there is hope for Zen understanding in the newer generations...

"Show me your true face, from before your parents were born!"

Introducing the Baltimore Zen Center's Blog

2009-02-16T19:44:00.005-05:00

The Baltimore Zen Center, together with their unusual cast of characters, has been something of a second home for me over the past year or so. I'll probably be writing for them as well from time to time, so if you watch here, you might want to watch there, too: Baltimore Zen. If you're a Twitter fan, follow us there as well: BaltimoreZen.

Spread the word!

OT: 25 Things

2009-01-26T15:06:00.002-05:00

OK, so it's more than the requested 25 things, but I hope it's as interesting to read as it was to live!

People who enjoy astrology and get to know me well inevitably reveal their shock in how closely I match the typical description of my sign.

Most honest people will suspect I'm at least partially insane. I like to think I just see many things differently---including their points of view about my sanity.

I thoroughly enjoy most vices periodically and without shame, but have failed to develop an addiction to any of them. I don't think I've never finished a pack of cigarettes or a two-ounce bag of pipe tobacco; they always went stale. I have, however, polished off my share of single malts and their associates---they don't go bad as quickly. ;-)

Still though, I haven't used any illegal drugs. After oral surgery, I took one prescription codeine Tylenol tablet, had a disconcerting trippy experience floating inside my body, and threw the rest of the bottle away, preferring the pain. In spite of that, my dream retirement used to be wasting away in an opium den in Thailand, catching up with the rest of humanity. Wife and kids challenged that notion, though. ;-)

I had my first Scotch in Scotland, and had my first three-piece suit made in London, both on a high school trip. I haven't been to Europe since; I've never had the occasion.

I was amazed at my discovery in Hong Kong of some exotic stuffed animal craze called "Hello Kitty." I phoned my wife in excitement over the big headed stuffed cat toy I'd bought for my infant daughter that day. My wife has enjoyed embarrassing me with that story ever since, at least with the added disclaimer that I had no sisters growing up...

As a home schooler, Hong Kong amazed me: In the middle of a weeknight, families with their small children were teaming the streets! I was also baffled in the number of people I saw walking around talking to themselves; the cellphone bluetooth accessories were popular there well before they reached the States!

As a teen, I worked in the town bakery, supervised by a fellow named Anwar, "the mad Iranian." He was mad---in an angry way, not the fun way. He may have actually been Armenian; I didn't question. The girls worked the counters in nice uniform skirts; the boys hauled massive bags of flower and equally large trash bags behind the scene. Once per shift, we could pick a pastry from up front. Visiting the girls was as nice a part of the day as the éclair I routinely brought back. We would dip frozen rolls in water and then dip them in poppy or sesame seeds, loading them up on trays and sending them to the ovens. Occasionally there would be the spontaneous "(frozen) food fight." Nothing was better than sneaking a few frozen petits fours away, though...

My father was in the seminary when he was young, and was actively studying to become a Roman Catholic priest. He hurt his back in a softball game and there was speculation whether he would ever walk again. The Church told him to find a new life since, at the time, the priest's job had a lot of kneeling, sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting, standing---wash, rinse repeat---and they figured he could not be a priest if he could not do those things. It was clear that, when the family was at church on Sundays together, this was a major concession for my father... When we were old enough to go on our own, his job there was done.

I graduated 21st out of 216 students, if I recall correctly, at an academically rigorous Catholic boys' high school, just allowing me to claim "Top 10%" on all the standard college application paperwork. [All in all, it was no small accomplishment at that school, but it's fun to put it this way!]

I went to college because it was next. I skipped classes, wandered the streets at night, and squandered my father's little money at the University of Michigan. I left in debt to the college when my dad died in my sophomore year. Not too long before he died, I had announced to him that I was in the wrong place, and that I was considering studying for the priesthood. I may have been quite a dubious priest, steeped with ambition and with certain worldly enjoyments, so I considered cloistered monkish orders, such as the Carthusians.

My father died at 49 of his second heart attack, just one year after finalizing his divorce. I was 19. As the oldest kid, I buried him. That number weighs on me as I turned 40 this past November. I've never lived with the goal of living longer, but circumstances have changed my focus to at least be somewhat more healthy.

I am convinced my father was worried I was gay. The look on his face when the girl and I looked at each other and I said, "I suppose we are boyfriend and girlfriend," was priceless! Years later, the police knocked on my bedroom door when once when I was talking with that same girl upstairs in my room; my father was having a heart attack downstairs and had called 911. She was with me at the hospital when later that night he died.

I took a job as an office administrator at a private investigation firm on returning home from U of M. After some time, I was on the streets as one of their investigators, working around New York City's five boroughs and Northern New Jersey. My primary work was worker's compensation and disability claims, documenting on paper, photo, and film, the days of people who claimed they were injured on the job and could no longer work.

With all of the photo work I was doing, I took a job at a local photo lab as well, working various stations from mixing chemicals through producing large custom negatives, slides, and prints. I learned a lot technically and in general working with the old retired military crew there... One day, the boss---chewing on an unlit corncob pipe, as always, wearing big red suspenders to hold up his baggy jeans beneath his belly---was seriously pissed that I was late. "Where the fuck have you been? The jobs are stacking up in your bin!" I replied, "Sorry, Chief,"---he was prior Navy---"I was out joining the Army." That seemed to have been an acceptable answer for the crew! ;-)

I joined the Army at 21---an old man. My scores were off the charts, allowing for choice of jobs. I chose linguist---what seemed to be the fastest path to get me where I really wanted to be, a Green Beret. They needed security clearances and a language, so this would be a start. I used to road march around the beautiful Monterey Peninsula in California---Pebble Beach, and so forth---with up to 80 pounds on my back, and swim regularly at the Fort Ord pool with uniform, boots, and a rubber M16, to prepare for the training I anticipated...

When I was young and even more arrogant, living in the regions around NYC, I swore there would be places I would never live or visit: California with its hippies, the Midwest for no particular reason, Texas, with their... well, Texas, Kentucky / Tennessee / West Virginia with the Appalachian hillbillies, the South with their slow drawls, ... The Army took me to basic in Missouri, language school in California, job school in Texas, special equipment school in Massachusetts, and then dropped me on the TN/KY border at Ft. Campbell, home of the 311th MI Battalion, 101st Airborne Division---the "Eyes of the Eagle." I met my would-be wife, a West Virginia girl, who would eventually be stationed near Savannah, Georgia, where I moved after my discharge, waiting for her to finish her enlistment.

I was Valerie's Arabic tutor at the Defense Language Institute in Monterey, California... We were learning Arabic in an eight hour a day, five day a week, 63 week course, when the first Gulf War broke out. The class ahead of me was rushed through; my class was on stand-by; Valerie's class, two cycles behind, was probably concerned. We did not have to go, but we did our part... While we were learning Arabic, one of my brothers joined the Army, went to basic, learned his skills in the artillery, and joined his unit already in Iraq. He died at 30 in a Veteran's Hospital, ostensibly from Gulf War Syndrome complications combined with his own vices.

I injured my back with severe compression fractures falling off an obstacle course at Ft. Campbell. I was misdiagnosed for months, prescribed ibuprofen, and finally verbally accused of being a malingerer. I, an enlisted fellow, furiously cursed out the warrant officer examining me and demanded x-rays. I marched myself about two miles to the base hospital with the x-ray request. After the technicians saw the first plates, they, with stunned looks on their faces, offered me a wheel chair---they couldn't believe I could walk. This was over three months later. Military orthopedic surgeons suggested fusing vertebrae, and I gave them a flurry of curses as well: If they couldn't figure out I was broken, I'd be damned if they were going to cut me open to fix it. After the diagnosis, I was banned from exercise and put on weight; then the unit tried to drum me out for being overweight. Working a night shift, I spent many days in the base law library... I was seeing the other side of my previous life as a private investigator... I received an honorable medical discharge from the Army two months and 15 days short of the end of my ordinary four year enlistment. That ended the want to become a Green Beret!

In my application essay, I dared WVU to reject me for undergraduate admission. They did. Old paperwork from my days at University of Michigan was not ready, so WVU considered my application fraudulent for failing to disclose all details of prior education. I was enrolled there a year later once everything was straightened out.

I named a mathematical creation, The Valerie Continuum, after my wife. If you're interested, it's a non-degenerate, selectable dendroid with the special property that it admits precisely one continuous selection map (with respect to the Hausdorff metric) from the hyperspace of its subcontinua into the continuum itself; moreover, it is a minimal universal continuum with respect to this property. Alternatively, as I explain it to Valerie, it's small, cute, unique, compact and connected, and very special, with lots of "V"-shapes in it, and others are just unwieldy imitations at best. My mentor had once named such a mathematical space, the Elsa Continuum, after his wife; I thought I would follow in the tradition! The description was published in a refereed collection of papers in honor of my mentor's 60th birthday, making the citation particularly special to all involved.

My mentor was at the forefront of the asbestos lawsuits in the mid-1990's that had the WVU Coliseum shut down for a while during the height of basketball season. My affidavits as an eyewitness---as well as a former private investigator and as a person then with a high level security clearance from NSA---was, I am told, instrumental in leading to an equitable legal settlement for employees, academic staff, and others. I went head-to-head with the administration, the deans, and others over that. A master of the pun, his words: "We do asbestos we can!"

Columbia's math department rejected my graduate school application. My mentor at WVU advised me to keep the rejection letter, as I would probably want to show it to them someday... Oxford University, years later, invited me to lecture on my independent research. Unfortunately, I couldn't swing the logistics. Still, screw you, Columbia---I am vindicated ;-)

I am ABC---All But Classes---instead of the traditional ABD---All But Dissertation---for a doctorate in mathematics. I have published, refereed papers that constitute a dissertation with original research in theoretical mathematics. I would need coursework of all things to complete the degree! But, the family needed to eat, and it wasn't clear that the PhD. would have helped me at all in what I was doing. I converted a research paper I was writing for a journal into a masters thesis instead so I could convert from summer intern to a regular employee at a higher entry salary where I was.

I was a mathematician in the Math Research Group at the National Security Agency... How cool is that?!? After a few years---which included the birth of our son, the purchase of a very modest house, and the head gasket explosion on our one car---I had to leave government employment when the added income from my second job as an adjunct professor at the local community college wasn't enough to support our home schooling in this area. I spent the next few years as a defense contractor.

As part of that adventure, I started my own defense consulting company just over a year before war became unpopular, hurricanes wiped out the Gulf Coast, democrats took congress from incumbent republicans, and so forth. Thus, I also have the experience of having a company crash and burn!

I have many papers of varying quality and rigor published outside my field of topology, but they are classified. I was once denied access to a paper that I had written myself; as a contractor instead of a government mathematician, access to it was blocked---in spite of the actual need (as opposed to vanity).

A mathematician I wanted to please with my mathematical prowess saw a letter to the editor I had written regarding the asbestos case; he told me I would be a great writer. After presenting mathematical findings to assorted NSA colleagues after intensive summer research, I was told I would be a great stand-up comic. And, yes, there are others. I have a habit of finding professionals telling me how great I would be in some other field!

At the high point of my career a few years ago, I was making probably around the same dollar figure as my father was---but his were 1980's dollars. These are different times... I did get to drive a fancy Jaguar XJR for over two years, though---that was fun, once (allegedly) hitting a personal top speed of about 135 mph!

I rarely carry pictures, decorate the house, and so forth. Too many attachments make me antsy. I never feel quite "at home," and was never more comfortable than when everything I had fit in a duffel bag. Not too long ago, I learned from my mother that my father was this way, too. I am intrinsically a hermit, a nomad, or a monk.

As part of a massive midlife crisis including my being fed-up with 15 years of work in this industry timed perfectly with my son's diagnosis with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, when I was laid off my last contract on 31 December 2007, I decided not to swing to a new vine in that jungle. I took a year to be with my family, especially my son while he can still walk. I made a very intensive study of Zen with a Zen Master / Korean Buddhist monk as a nearly full-time koan meditation endeavor to help ensure that I would be strong enough to face what's ahead. I did not watch or read the news for the entire year---Obama who? I've lost 30-40 pounds in there, primarily with exercise, in that same time. I am changing in ways I never could have anticipated.

I started studying Aikido to help strengthen my back, increase flexibility, and work on chronic pain management after the Army. I earned my black belt 12-13 years ago, continuing to study here and there without pursuing rank. Teaching Aikido to our local home schoolers, including my daughter, for the last two years, three times per week, is one of my greatest joys.

My wife is incredibly smart and strong. Both of my children amaze me. I don't know why my wife and children tolerate me. Presumably, it has something to do with at least some of the above. I'm grateful for every day they let me stay. ;-)

I don't know what's next for us, but it is time to decide...

... Addendum: A friend named Trelina would like to add that I'm awesome! Take that with a grain of salt :-)

On Action

2009-01-01T03:19:00.003-05:00

If I must die,
I would hope that I leave with my body,
not before.

Fearing to act or regretting a failure to act, rooted in attachment, the need to preserve: Is there a better definition of Hell?

What trains us to follow this path? Budo does not. Zen does not. Christianity does not.

Consider: When Jesus said "How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God! Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God" (Luke 18:24-25), what did he mean? When later he said, "I tell you the truth, no one who has left home or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age and, in the age to come, eternal life" (Luke 18:29-30), what did he mean?

What if the essence is in letting go of attachments? How would we interpret these words now? What might be "Heaven" and what might be "Hell"?

What is Hidden in a Martial Art?

2008-12-17T21:45:00.004-05:00

Naturally, on hearing the question, one tendency will be to consider what techniques, tactics, or strategies that are not being taught to you within your own art, perhaps before you are initiated into some inner circle of understanding. Another interpretation will be to ask what principles and techniques are hidden inside some martial art's kata. But what if an art claims that there are no hidden techniques, that everything is right in front of you?

It is more than simple fortune cookie wisdom that many martial arts are understood to be paths to not fighting and onward to peace. While the physical practice is undoubtedly fun and what is learned is hopefully effective when it's needed, each art's path is very easily lost if we pursue such an art with the sole goal of some kind of invincibility in physical conflict.

Aikido's founder, in particular, was very explicit about this. In some cases, in particular in his doka ("songs of the way," his own poetry about aikido), the founder wrote very esoterically, in a way familiar to students of zen and other mystical traditions. It is all too easy for an ordinary fellow looking for simple martial arts practice to dismiss such writing as senseless ramblings of a lunatic.

This thread on AikiWeb inspired the following post:

I wonder to what extent we can know O-Sensei's understanding of or intent for his aikido by virtue of understanding his doka?

Consider: Would we assume that O-Sensei put less effort and meaning into his poetry about his art than he did in demonstrating the physical aspects of his art, and would we then dismiss the former as inaccessible while claiming any understanding of the later?

It seems that O-Sensei wanted others to see the universe as he saw it. If so, then that's what's hidden; and, if so, since there is this "aikido" thing he taught and all of this poetry, presumably it's only hidden by our own lack of understanding, not for his lack of effort or any attempt to obscure it.

But this is speculation.

Perspective

2008-12-13T12:41:00.004-05:00

Post: "It is winter."
Other hemisphere replies,
"You're an idiot!"

Can you speak without attaching your own thoughts, circumstances, and biases, which are a natural result of your entire life's experiences? Can you listen without doing the same?

Is it someone's role to understand the other's frame of reference and to be accommodating?

Is it ultimately important either to understand or to be understood?

My wife says, "It's cold!"
I, sitting right beside her, say, "No, it's not."

Was she simply expressing her state, or was she fishing for me to turn up the heat or share a blanket? Did I express a simple truth, that I am not cold, or did I tell her that she is wrong? Did she hear that I am not cold, or did she hear me calling her a liar? Maybe we were joking? Maybe we were fighting?

Even such a simple two-line exchange can be interpreted so many different ways, but there is only one way that comes unencumbered by personal "baggage": She feels cold, and I do not. Putting hidden meaning behind what is spoken and wondering about hidden meaning behind what is heard may be entertaining in certain circumstances, but it can be very easy to lose oneself in such a game. Some of the most devastating misunderstandings occur when we do not realize when we are projecting our own thoughts and feelings upon another's words, when we are hearing what we expect to hear rather than what is actually being said.

Given that you have no ability to ensure that any other person sees things clearly, the best you can do is to practice communicating and sensing things clearly yourself, which in turn will at least help you to see when another is not. Then you can decide how to deal with the situation.

Aikido, the Martial Art of Vigilant Sheep?

2008-12-11T14:03:00.005-05:00

Plastic flowers did not kill Ikebana.
The ballpoint pen did not kill shodo.
Lipton did not kill Chado.
The AK-47 did not kill Iaido.
UFC will not kill Aikido.

Why in my neighborhood do we cultivate certain flowers and maintain our yards just so when clearly those plants that we call "weeds" have the evolutionary upper hand?

It's clearly an aspect of our own evolution as a species that we do---or have the inclination to do---things like this. There must be value to our species as a whole in our behaving this way. This is not to say that the best strategies for the species collectively are also the best strategies for the individual on any particular day; after all, as an individual, my best strategies might include rape, pillage, theft, murder, hoarding, and so forth. Indeed, there are such places where this is a way of life. If I am there, I should probably cultivate my abilities to do those things and to defend against others' efforts to those things to me.

In Suburbia, U.S.A., and elsewhere, though, the community would likely thrive optimally if we all behaved as vigilant sheep. If we were all vigilant sheep, we could individually spot and collectively handle would-be wolves, leaving us free to munch on our lawns and pretty flowers, keeping our society (i.e., local species) strong.

You could argue from a certain perspective that the most watered-down versions of aikido teach us the principles of being vigilant sheep. We can be taught to have: unquestioning loyalty to organizations and to those individuals ranked above us; responsibility to peers and those ranked below us; absolute discipline; faith; cooperation; some physical exercise to work out aggression and to keep us healthy; and so forth. Throw in the uniforms and maybe a reading from O-Sensei's collected works each morning over a bowl of rice and we're ready for a fully functional life in a family, company, government, and the larger society!

All of that is not necessarily a bad thing. It simultaneously reflects and benefits a certain type of society. After all, societies evolve too. Consider that there are arguments that much of the Japanese samurai-associated code and arts came from warriors with too much time on their hands living in a newly peaceful society. I have the opportunity to ponder these things and write this note because I have a roof over my head, a locked front door, and no ninjas are scaling the walls!

But, if you're a cabbie working in areas with different rules for society, maybe the previous type of aikido is not for you. But, there are people who are teaching and learning interpretations of aikido that may very well be suitable for you. I personally have a very zennish perspective, and my aikido reflects that. If you want to call it a spiritual pursuit, that's fine with me---but for my view the pursuit requires challenging training in line with a martial path.

Maybe there is a "middle way" after all?

Must Something Evolve?

2008-12-11T08:40:00.007-05:00

I heard someone suggest that, in order to survive---particularly with respect to the currently popular martial arts such as BJJ and the MMAs---Aikido must evolve. If even we accept his premise that the popularity of one martial art threatens the existence of another, we still have a question to ask...

Which is better, apples or oranges? Would apples have to evolve to survive in a fight against oranges? Of course! Apples would have to migrate from cooler climate zones to warmer ones. They would need new characteristics, perhaps a thicker skin to retain moisture, maybe a different flower to attract the local species of pollinators, maybe a different growth cycle to adjust to a continuously warm climate, ...

... and, perhaps in time, the evolved apple would become an orange!

Apples are apples. Oranges are oranges. Given each plant's individual circumstances, each is already optimally evolved, perfect as it is right now. That is not to say that, as circumstances change, things will be as they are now; but, for now, things are as they are.

Chasing Wisdom and Compassion

2008-12-06T19:58:00.003-05:00

Buddhists, like many religious, tout the attributes of wisdom and compassion. Some go on to make a practice of cultivating them. Unfortunately, it is easy for such a practice to lead one astray.

The want or need to act compassionately itself kills compassion.
The want or need to act wisely itself kills wisdom.

Compassion does not have a fixed form. It has nothing to do with doing what is expected, and it is not doing what you think should be done. Only when you are neither doing something nor not doing something are you truly acting compassionately.

A similar argument can be made for wisdom.

How can this be?

Wisdom and compassion emerge naturally as the mind is cleared of delusion. Giving life to the concepts of wisdom and compassion and then chasing them cultivates delusion.

There is no wisdom in trying to be wise. There is no compassion in trying to be compassionate.

[Inspired by this post on the Zencast blog.]

Zen of Argument

2008-12-06T10:34:00.004-05:00

"I feel far away.
I see you're angry with me."
"I am not angry!!!"

Insight

2008-11-28T09:37:00.005-05:00

Insight: the second-to-last thing that went through the poor fellow's head... You know, right before the bokken!

Understanding the moment is something that happens outside the moment. It is something that takes you away from the moment. The bokken is a hard, wooden practice sword used in some martial arts practices, including Aikido. The intensity of weapons practice should bring the practitioner into full awareness of this very moment. Any distraction may create an opening and lead to his end.

But, understanding this is in itself one such distraction.

Zen Beatings, Aikido Randori, and Spirituality

2008-11-24T23:12:00.003-05:00

Nothing will call your attention to this very moment---fully integrating your mind and your body, knocking you completely out of any thought loop---faster and more completely than having the shit kicked out of you.

The Aikido version of all of this is facing that guy screaming fiercely from the bottom of his belly, swinging that big slab of hardwood at your skull, or facing a handful of thugs rushing at you from the other side of the mats, coming to take you out, with you just trying to survive for a maybe a minute... These are the opportunities to practice this same flavor of spirituality: We practice finding and operating from a place of peace and harmony within these chaotic situations. Eventually, we may even begin to realize at a very deep level (vice intellectual understanding) that these dojo situations are analogous to other situations in our lives.

These situations will knock the mu out of whatever you think mushin means, leaving you with the real deal. That's when you'll truly know spirituality.

Wisdom Seen Elsewhere: Suffering / "Losing Your Life"

2008-11-23T22:38:00.004-05:00

Our suffering only exists in the present moment. We worry that in the future we'll be old, we'll be sick, and we'll die. But those things aren't real. We have to cut off the heads of those things because they are demons that cause us to lose the present moment and lose our life.

--- Thich Nhat Hanh, commenting on Master Linji's discourse. Nothing to Do, Nowhere to Go.

The expression "losing your life" means something different to zen masters than it does to most. People stuck in day-to-day life, living as if sleepwalking, might be referred to as corpses walking slowly toward their graves.

If "losing your life" has absolutely nothing to do with physically dying, then what must it mean to be alive?

Karmic Retribution

2008-11-20T11:02:00.006-05:00

They're speaking of me...
I see it - It must be true:
It's what I would do.

Aikido Practice and Spirituality

2008-11-18T12:58:00.002-05:00

There is a constant debate regarding spirituality in aikido, specifically with regard to the martial effectiveness of the art itself. One of the latest instantiations of that topic is found in this AikiWeb thread. Here was my thought:

My Post

From one point of view, anything or any activity is an opportunity to discover spirituality; once outfitted with that perspective, everything and every activity is an expression of spirituality.

If that's your belief, then there is no reason that spirituality cannot be discovered in poor aikido practice, and there is no reason that poor aikido practice cannot be a spiritual expression.

For what it's worth, I suspect that someone is more likely to find and to maintain a course of spiritual development with "proper practice"---whatever that means. I also suspect that an instructor with deluded spirituality can do much more harm to a student than a bad martial arts instructor ever could with poorly transmitted physical techniques.

Want

2008-11-16T12:29:00.001-05:00

Fall goes, Winter comes,
Regardless of any want.
What are you to do?

Aikido & the Church Parking Lot

2008-11-15T13:24:00.005-05:00

In my childhood, I used to be amused after church services. After one hour of obligatory weekly spirituality, everything was immediately forgotten in the congregation's race to get out of the parking lot. More likely then forgetting, the bulk of people never really knew the purpose of being there in the first place.

Some will argue that it is better to go than not to go, even if you do not know why. For some people, at least they are off the streets for an hour a week. For others, who knows when something will click and all of what has been transmitted may suddenly make sense. Being in the presence of a mystery may even transform you unwittingly for the better.

Who knows?

I claim no special insight, but I presume the point is deeper than a mandatory social hour and that the application of what is conveyed is not meant to be limited to that hour. The wisdom and principles are seen in the mundane. God is everywhere, so to speak.

The martial arts (and other arts) that have adopted the -do suffix are seen by their founders as something of a spiritual path. Through sincere and dedicated practice, you may eventually see the world through the master's eyes...

... or maybe you will just learn punching and kicking, flower arranging, or how to make a pot of tea. The deeper aspects are not mandatory, and they are not for everyone.

In any event, Aikido, an art that adopts the moniker, "The Art of Peace," practically invites scrutiny to the more spiritual aspects. The founder himself states the purpose of aikido: True victory is victory over oneself, right now. Still, squabbles develop. Why do we practice?

Here is one of my somewhat obtuse posts from an AikiWeb thread. An anonymous user presents a problem and asks what he should do. A decidedly un-aiki discussion follows. Is there an aikdo-compliant way all of this should have been handled? I think so.

The Post

Today we'll practice shomenuchi ikkyo omote. Demonstration, clap, pair up and practice!

A shomenuchi with a roaring kiai! Have you ever observed how different beginners respond? Some flee the atack. Some cover their heads and cower. Some stand dumbfounded. A few do something else, like an unrefined counter-strike. Whatever the starting point, over time we're going to work to make that beginner's technique become something like what was demonstrated. We'll practice shomenuchi ikkyo undo basic exercise again and again. We'll transform the slumped over cowering into the bright-postured shomenuchi ikkyo undo. We'll transform fleeing into fearless entry. We'll transform being dumbfounded, stuck in thought, into immediate and appropriate response. We'll transform the unrefined counter-sttack into fierce kiai and off-balancing atemi in the spirit of irimi.

Step outside the dojo for a moment, since this is "real life."

Where are you coming from? Here you are. There is no going back to change the circumstances of right now.

What is coming at you? What is it that you face? No wishful thinking will change the circumstances of right now.

The circumstances are set. Events are in motion: An instructor mindlessly makes a pass at a female student. The female cowers. A third-party male friend of both watches dumbfounded.

Where is the error, who is at fault, and what is aikido's path through this?

Does it matter in aikido's practice whether or not the attack has intent? Will we respond differently in the moment if it does? No, that is decidedly not how we train. We "protect" the attacker and act with "loving kindness." Why? Ultimately, we do not know the attacker's mind. We do not know the causes and conditions that led to this moment. We do not add our assumptions to the situation. We do not judge good or bad, right or wrong, or degree of fault. We simply act---or, perhaps better said, we act simply.

The instructor operated in habitual mind; he lost zanshin. It happens. Restoring harmony with the universe is to restore zanshin, his awareness. In the lucid moments, he may recognize that his behavior has a negative impact on the club; the goal for him and for everyone is to remain lucid.

The woman psychologically cowers. The friend stands dumbfounded. Are they at fault? Restoring harmony with the universe means what for them? Perhaps it means restoring their original minds (to borrow terminology) as well---examining what baggage they carry that caused them to fail to act when they sensed an attack and working through it until their responses start to look like aikido.

This is what aikido practice is for me. If your understanding of aikido is different, I will naturally expect different response. Through continued practice, hopefully we all meet in the same place.

Bow to shomen. Bow to teacher. Bow to each other.

Aikido Principles in Action

2008-11-14T12:22:00.003-05:00

Examine without preconceived notions -- shoshin.
Remain unwavering in the face of passions and delusion -- fudoshin.
Engage free of ego -- mushin.
Act in the moment to restore this mind -- aikido.

Lord Byron on the Middle-Aged Man

2008-11-05T21:23:00.003-05:00

Of all the barbarous middle ages, that which is most barbarous is the middle age of man! It is -- I really scarce know what; but when we hover between fool and sage, and don't know justly what we would be at -- a period something like a printed page, black letter upon foolscap, while our hair grows grizzled, and we are not what we were.

--Lord Byron

Other Byron quotes can be found here.

Aikido: To Test or Not to Test

2008-11-05T20:54:00.003-05:00

This post, To grade or Not to Grade...That is the Question, provides one of the first honest presentations of what is behind this question that I have seen.

Here are my thoughts today:

Gradings anywhere are about facing knowing what someone else thinks about you, and facing someone else's assessment of you is ultimately facing yourself.

What did the founder say was a goal of aikido? Masakatsu agatsu - True victory is victory over oneself.

It is true that your skill, talent, understanding, and so forth, are your own whether you test or not. From that perspective, rank means nothing. However, rank does not truly mean nothing until the possible pride or shame that may arise from the test and the wearing of your assigned rank means nothing as well. Note that this includes comparing yourself with others. If you do this, then rank still has meaning to you; you create rank every time such a thought arises.

If rank really means nothing to you, then you neither crave rank nor do you have an aversion to rank. In that case, you may as well test.

Wisdom Seen Elsewhere: Be Still and Know

2008-11-05T20:15:00.001-05:00

Meditation of the Day - November 5

"You could study the ancestors, but without a deep feeling of communication with them it would be surface learning and surface talking. Once you have gone into yourself and have learnt very deeply, appreciate it, and relate to it very well, everything will come very easily."

--Ellen White, NANAIMO

Inside of every human being are our ancestors, and these ancestors still live. Today, the white man calls this DNA, but there is more than DNA. We have the ability to go inside of ourselves and learn from the ancestors. The ancestor teachings reside in the place of the center. The ancestors are waiting for us to come there so they can share the ancient teachings. It is said, "Be still and Know".

Great Spirit, let me walk in the stillness.

Don Coyhis

Aikido & "Aversion to Violence"

2008-11-02T10:15:00.002-05:00

Ron Ragusa's blog on AikiWeb caught my eye with post "Ninety-Eight," wherein he noted O-Sensei as saying, "Practice the Art of Peace sincerely, and evil thoughts and deeds will naturally disappear." Ron was citing his own observations regarding Aikido's transformative properties, leading practitioners toward a more peaceful lifestyle.

What caught my eye was his own thought, "The idea that Aikido will somehow cause masses of people to behave in a more peaceful manner is a misunderstanding of how Aikido practice engenders an aversion to violence among practitioners."

Can peace come about by fostering an aversion to violence? Is such peace true peace? Can the purpose of sincere practice of a martial art be the fostering any aversion? Ron and I discuss some of these things and others in the comments to his next blog entry, "Ninety-Nine."

I will probably add to those thoughts here, but, for the record, there is the root.

Wisdom Seen Elsewhere: Evil, and Good

2008-10-25T01:38:00.001-04:00

Meditation of the Day - October 24

"We create that bad among ourselves. We create it; then we try to call it devil, Satan, or evil. But man creates it. There is no devil. Man creates the devil."

--Wallace Black Elk, LAKOTA

Inside every human being are the laws and codes by which we should live. These laws and codes are communicated to us through a little voice. When we are still, this voice guides us. If we choose to live out of harmony, our lives become filled with anger, hate, selfishness, dishonesty, etc. When these things appear in our lives, we give up accountability and blame it on something or someone else. If we want to live in harmony, we need to pray our way back to living the principles the Creator gave us.

Grandfather, today let me walk with the principles.

Doy, Coyhis

[Seen here: Walks With Thunder.]

Good and Evil, Revisted: Who's the Good Guy?

2008-10-25T00:49:00.006-04:00

I conducted the following demonstration in an Aikido class: I held a tanto---a traditional wooden practice knife---and asked a student to grab my arm and prevent me from cutting him. He grabbed morotedori---two hands securely holding my knife-wielding arm. We scuffled a bit, and then I pinned him to the ground, retaining the tanto.

The class was confused: This was not the outcome they came to expect.

I asked, "Who is the good guy and who is the bad guy?"

Some thought it was obvious that I was the bad guy because I had a knife. Some thought it was obvious that I was the good guy because I was the teacher. Together, we dreamed up different scenarios explaining how one, the other, both, or neither was the "good" guy in this situation.

But, in the moment, inside that scuffle, there was no good guy and there was no bad guy. Who knows how we arrived in this situation? Yet, there we were, connected in a brief encounter that had to be resolved one way or another.

O-Sensei said,

Practice the Art of Peace sincerely, and evil thoughts and deeds will naturally disappear.

I suspect there might be an albeit less marketable corollary:

Practice the Art of Peace sincerely, and good thoughts and deeds will naturally disappear as well.

Within each encounter, inside each moment, the sincere practitioner has no room for either.

Two Neighborhoods in Hell

2008-10-19T13:09:00.002-04:00

I am better than you. I see all of your faults, it's true. I see your problems clearly. How can you not? You are stupid, ignorant, deluded. I pity you. Why do you not just pick yourself up? I'll do what I can to help, maybe take some time and cook brownies for the church bake sale. Maybe someday you can attain what I have. I will pray for you until then.

I am better than you. You see me in my tattered clothes and think these are who I am. You are so full of yourself. Jesus said, "Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth," and "Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." Look at you, looking down upon me, if you look at me at all! My spirit so much richer than yours. Maybe someday you can attain what I have. I will pray for you until then.

The "Flow State"

2008-10-13T00:40:00.009-04:00

[Post inspired by a thread on AikiWeb.]

The other day, I was sitting at a red light. With a bit of time on my hands, my mind drifted. I caught myself and thought about the need to remain focused upon what I was doing.

Without warning, there was the sudden blare of police sirens. Immediately, I checked around me and found the flashing lights speeding toward the light from behind me. Immediately, I saw that he needed to turn right. In a moment, I determined that there was nothing that I could do sitting in the left lane. I watched the car in the right lane decide it was safe to turn right at the light and then move out of the way, allowing the patrol car to pass.

In maybe one minute, I went from daydreaming to awareness about my daydreaming, and then to absolute hyper-alertness---the "flow state." Once the immediacy of the event had ended, I returned to thinking about what had just happened.

Daydreaming and conscious thought themselves are not substantially different---which is to say that unless thinking is specifically what you are supposed to be doing, you are still lost in thought. However, those states are radically different than this "flow state."

For me, this waking up happens in the presence of severe and intense situations requiring immediate response---which may, by the way, include the response not to respond, such as a police officer not using a drawn weapon. The state can be induced, but there is an issue: If there is even the slightest thought that the situation is artificial---such as, "This is just a test; they're not really going to try to kill me"---it is sufficient to block entry into the flow state.

I do not get out much, but I would say that I only recall one or two teachers who really pushed their students into this level of intensity in an Aikido dojo. By this I do not mean that there is a sense that a brawl is ready to break out without notice; rather, I mean to say that in each encounter between nage and uke, there is palatable intensity, mushin and zanshin throughout.

The question remains then: If the students are suddenly kicked into the flow state, will the principles and techniques they practice outside of that state be available to them?

I do not know the answer to this question.

This is something that we can test, but is this a question that a typical Aikido student wants to face? Does the typical anyone really want to know how he would handle under extreme stress? Aikido has the expression, "Masakatsu agatsu - True victory is victory over oneself." Are you ready to face your self?

What is Aikido?

2008-10-06T11:07:00.006-04:00

Is there a technique that is in Aikido but no other martial art? What makes Aikido different than this or that martial art? Did Aikido exist before O Sensei labeled it and taught it as such? How can there be so many different branches of Aikido, all looking a bit different? How can someone from a different branch tell me that I'm doing a technique wrong?

How you answer any of those questions can be determined by how you would answer the more primordial question,

What is Aikido?

When I began my own study, this question was asked to the student as part of one of the higher-level kyu exams. The canned answer that was expected was something akin to the following:

"Aikido is a system of joint locks, pins, and throws used to neutralize an attack without harming the attacker."

Answering this way is simplistic and somewhat dismissive, but, to the ordinary person or beginner who asks, the answer is more than satisfactory.

To one who looks more deeply, though---perhaps reaching an intermediate level---the answer is inadequate. The different physical techniques themselves are present in many other martial arts. After all, there are only so many ways to twist a wrist or lock a joint, and it seems Aikido can make no claim of provenance to any of them. To this student, Aikido is not just the collection of techniques, but how they are performed. The principles of keeping yourself balanced, leading your adversary's attack, and so forth---right down to technical aspects such as "we turn like this" and "we generally pivot on the balls of our feet, not the heels"---add a characteristic Aikido feel to the common techniques. Still, though, there is a problem: Not only are those principles evident elsewhere, but even different schools of Aikido disagree amongst themselves about what those principles are.

At advanced levels, one looks for takemusu, the spontaneous emergence of an appropriate response to whatever martial situation presented. The observer might analyze what he sees and say, "Oh, that looked like ikkyo right there!" but the practitioner has no technique in mind---he was not "doing ikkyo;" he acted according to what came. "And what about the ferocious shout and punch to the face? Was that loving protection?" Who is to say, the practitioner or the observer?

If you asked me today "What is Aikido?" I would answer,

"Aikido is what you believe O Sensei meant."

I would probably also say:

Christianity is what one believes Jesus meant.
Buddhism is what one believes the Buddha meant.
...

How many varieties of each are there in the world today? As many as there are practitioners with their own thoughts about what it means.

Did you catch the point?

What are you practicing when you visit the dojo? Why do you dress this way? Bow and clap that way? Speak in a (presumably) foreign language? Grab, strke, lock, pin, throw---again and again, pushing you past the edge of thought. What will you find?

Can you see Aikido through O Sensei's eyes?

JULIET:
'Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.
Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet.

"Where are you coming from?"

2008-10-01T01:41:00.006-04:00

A fun Zen exchange:

Stranger:

Where are you from?

Me:

I've lived in all of these different places... Lots of places have claimed me as their own, but I don't call any of them home.

Friend from Zen:

Where is home?

Me:

Yes, Where is...
... but that is neither Here nor There.

Sitting with the Rain

2008-09-27T23:24:00.000-04:00

Rain sweeps away filth
From all I see before me,
Polluting my Mind.

This is Not Haiku

2008-09-26T23:47:00.001-04:00

Whatever you think,
Rest assured that you are wrong:
This is not haiku.

When Here and There Appear

2008-09-26T00:17:00.002-04:00

Chanting in the attic above
Leaves the Temple empty below.
When the Teacher is lost,
Will the Master be found?

Wisdom Seen Elsewhere: Merton on Lao Tzu

2008-09-25T14:15:00.005-04:00

On the contrary, [Lao Tzu] is trying to preach a doctrine which to Westerners seems oversubtle: that the reality of humanity and righteousness is right there in front of your nose if only you will practice them without self-conscious reflection, or self-congratulation, and without trying to explain and justify your acts by ethical theory. In other words, reflection and self-consciousness are what begin the vitiation of true moral activity, according to Lao Tzu. As soon as man becomes aware of doing good and avoiding evil, he is no longer perfectly good. Ethical rationalization makes possible that schizoid division between words and acts, between thoughts and deeds, which (as Hamlet well knew) finally reduces honest activity to complete helplessness, or else lays the way open for political or religious crooks to do all the evil they like in the name of "righteousness."

Thomas Merton in Mystics and Zen Masters (Farrar, Straus and Giroux, NYC, NY. 1967. Page 49.)

On Doing What is Right

2008-09-23T00:08:00.006-04:00

If a person of strong character firmly believes he is in the right, he will be willing to stand alone against all opposition and do what he believes is right without compromise, even at his own peril.

Many stories are told and retold that have this underlying premise. The protagonist is celebrated as a hero and the antagonists are reviled. Even many stories of martyrs and saints follow this formula. We should all strive to this level of commitment when tested, no?

Oddly, history is replete with tragedies and horror stories that follow precisely this same formula, yet somehow we fail to recognize them as the same. Consider this exchange:

Comment:
I heard that if you attack with the intent of helping another see the errors of his ways rather than ego, control, or fear, then the attack comes from a good place.
Response:
Tomás de Torquemada?

Would we doubt the sincerity of the Grand Inquisitor's faith and belief that what he was doing was right and just? Would we doubt that Hitler believed he was doing the right thing? Do not even suicide victims believe they are doing what is best?

Why do you do what you do? In what is your sense of right and wrong rooted? Is it from a sense of Faith? Justice? Patriotism? Nationalism? Political affiliation? Company employment? Contractual obligation? Tradition? Custom? Honor? Even the simple need to be seen as the one in the right?

Right and wrong are a cloud cut in two, a layer of thought around a layer of concept.

So when you act, who is driving your body? Is it You, or have you surrendered it to an Ideal?

Doing what is Right,
You are already so Wrong.
How can you survive?

Conversation: "We have seen the Enemy, ..."

2008-09-20T08:29:00.002-04:00

Question:

"Remember - directly attacking bad guys (war) means they win because we become them. So, how do we get the riveted attention of the bad guys and make them think twice?"

Response:

Looking forward, seeing one on the other side,
Shouting, his voice annoys you.
How will you get his attention,
Not recognizing the back of your own head?

Reply:

"Yeh. That's what I said."

Response:

"Ah, good: The two of you agree on something!"

Stillness

2008-09-06T04:38:00.004-04:00

Rivers never move.
Mountains flow like the Rivers.
Waiting is not Still.

Wisdom Seen Elsewhere: Projection

2008-09-05T20:16:00.005-04:00

I would not have thee believe in what I say nor trust in what I do -- for my words are naught but thy own thoughts in sound and my deeds thy own hopes in action.

From: Khalil Gibran's The Madman, "My Friend."

We were never sure if Grandma kept fresh batteries in her hearing aids or if she simply turned them down and did not think the conversation was worth re-engaging them. Regardless, when confronted about paying attention to a conversation, she would state simply and emphatically,

"I hear what I want to hear!"

When happy, we see beauty in everything. When angry, we see irritation everywhere. When in love, we see passion. Police see suspicious behavior. Citizens see corruption. Friends see enemies. Zealots see zealots.

When, instead of seeing and hearing clearly, you interpret, what is it that you are really seeing or hearing?

Wisdom Seen Elsewhere: Who is Speaking? Who is Acting?

2008-09-04T21:01:00.005-04:00

Elder's Meditation of the Day - September 3

"Once you have achieved this oneness, when you talk, God talks; when you act, God acts."
--Chuck Ross, LAKOTA
In my innermost self, I know this to be true. I know of this oneness. The more I am free of doubt, jealousy, judgment, selfishness, anger, the closer I am to this oneness. When I am right with the Creator, nothing can touch me. When I am right with the Creator I always say the right things. When I am right with the Creator, my thoughts are always good. When I am right with the Creator, my actions are always good.

Great Spirit, remove from me those things that block me from You. Allow me this day to experience the oneness.

From: Walks with Thunder

Koan for the Argumentative

2008-09-04T00:14:00.004-04:00

The Tzar for Matters of Argument is bound and hangs precariously from a rope by his teeth. A passerby asks the Tzar, "You cannot help but argue, can you?" If he does not respond, he will be executed for not doing his duty; if he does, he falls to his death.

How can the Tzar survive?

An Argument about Arguing

2008-08-27T22:16:00.003-04:00

It's rare enough to see outside of an undergraduate logic class, but there is a long-standing and developing thread on argument here:

http://53beersontap.typepad.com/53beers/2008/08/shock.html

In my view, it goes inadvertently far in demonstrating many of the typical errors people make once they decide to adhere to a position. Often, the argument moves from discussion of argument---that is to say, dialectics---to argument of the "You're an idiot!" variety.

For the zen folks, it is a happy hunting ground for practice!

Son's Koan

2008-08-24T21:15:00.003-04:00

My son scolds me from across the coffee shop table:

Daddy, you never let me talk about anything!!!

Tell Me Why

2008-08-09T19:27:00.004-04:00

Having a reason:
Does it change circumstances?
It is what it is.

Change itself happens in an instant, the simultaneous creation of a flash of lightning and the roar of thunder as in one place the atmosphere is locally rebalanced. The effects are seldom so local, though, and, like the storm, change can be destructive.

We make choices and do what is best for ourselves, our loved ones, our friends, groups, communities, employers, nations, and so forth, right up through each person's God. But from one moment to the next circumstances change; the balances shift and what is best is different. When finally the shift is so strong that the inertia of habit and fear of consequence are overcome, we change. Lightning strikes.

Nearby though are the loved ones, friends, groups, communities, employers, and so forth, and among them are those who were also accustomed to your habit. That is their habit, the expectation that the you of today will be the same as the you of yesterday. Depending upon one's proximity to the decisive moment, he may hear the distant rumble and leisurely continue his day, he may count the seconds between the flash and the rumble and move to safety, or he may simply be struck down without notice.

Unless our house is struck, we never seem to ask the sky why lightning strikes here or there, but we do seek explanations when people change. We know that, beneath the outward change, an inward change occurred, and we seek to understand it and perhaps to correct it if only to restore our own sense of order. In some cases, we wonder if there was some deficiency in ourselves that caused our circumstances to change. In those cases that cannot be restored, we may even seek to change ourselves to avoid similar external changes in the future.

But what is the point of all of this?

If you and I live in a manner true to ourselves, then the cards fall where they will effortlessly. You are not acting in a way to appease me, and likewise I am not acting in a way to appease you---we are not acting. Your change affects me, yes, but I do not require an explanation. You would have provided one if it was important to you, but what would I do with it once you have made up your mind? Would I argue that you misunderstood? You would already have asked for my view and considered it if it was an important to you. Would I argue that you were wrong? If you were, would you hear the argument? Should I argue there's another way after you've already decided your new path? Should I attempt to preserve your involvement in something that you did not wish to preserve?

Depending upon the magnitude of the change, these issues are not trivial, and rarely is there a right or wrong approach; after all, even acting itself can be a pure approach. Still, all we can hope for, but cannot expect or demand, is that we are true to ourselves.

Be yourself. And be well.